Tyler Schmall

Ending every therapy session with “I swear to god if you tell anyone what I just said….”

Had a dream there was a popular rapper named “The Woke Asthmatic”

I have the gene that makes cilantro taste like soap, but fortunately, I also have the gene that makes soap taste like fresh herbs. So I kind of break even where that’s concerned.

Sometimes I get a spam text that makes me wish my life was different

Well me and this tree have basically nothing in common

I magine being the last 80’s rock star to find out that love is more than just a game. Fucking humiliating.

Asking my barber for “a performative hairstyle that is transparently not my vibe”

My girlfriend’s Instagram ads constantly laser beam her with negative anti-aging and weight loss stuff and mine are just “still thinking about plain white socks? Here are some that are fine.”

Take it from me. If you’re ever in the desert and you see a coyote loading himself into a cannon, just leave it alone. That situation is a mess.

I nearly asphyxiated watching the Mr. Plinkett breakdown of Indiana Jones Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Hey thanks for coming! Help yourself to the fridge. Everything in there labeled "not poisonous" is safe to consume.

Nothing more shameful than returning to an aisle while grocery shopping. You couldn’t close the deal on the first go around? You’ve got NO plan??

You’re so funny dude. My uncle would love you haha. Actually would you mind if I FaceTimed him real quick and you guys could chat?

Sorry – when I said I worked on an oil rig I meant that I do my remote marketing/PR job there. They have good coffee and plenty of working space.

My Mesopotamian buddy keeps texting me in cuneiform and I’m too embarrassed to tell him I can’t read it 🤦‍♂️

CHOPPED JUDGE: No daikon, no pork loin, you didn't incorporate a single mystery basket ingredient, and let me ask you something, is this Stouffer's brand frozen lasagna?

ME: Yes chef.

CHOPPED JUDGE: Did you bring this from home?

ME: Yes chef.

Think of how powerful it’d be if two NBA teams playing against each other suddenly decided to work together instead. Imagine how efficiently two basketball teams could score on one basket facing no opposition…

Hey you mind watching my stuff while I go to the bathroom? (I gesture to a table that has a completed puzzle on it. The picture is of you, but 40 years older, smiling, with what you assume is your future family. You seem happy. You look up but I am gone. Was I ever even there?)

Now that’s a spread

(George Bailey voice) Now now now wait just a minute here, you got this place all wrong. Your money's not here. Your money's in HAWKCOIN, and and PEPE, and Chill Guy.X and a hundred others

The Democrats' Tommy Boy Problem At one point, not too long ago, this country felt like an actual society with a bright future, not the hopelessly fractured, furious, and confused one we have become today.

The DNC is dead. Long live the DNC. I wrote about the Democrats' "Tommy Boy problem" back in 2021 and things have only gotten worse since. Give it a read and see if you agree
open.substack.com/pub/poeticfi...

That’s not good

One of my biggest dating icks is if we go to the meadow to build a snowman and they start pretending he is Parson Brown 😷

Fun and cheap opportunity for kids 👍

My eye doctor’s new patient form has a nickname section

Something’s in the air

Do you think everyone else at Elrond’s council felt weird about not joining the Fellowship? They all probably could’ve gone.

(Misremembering The Hobbit as something that happened to my friend) one of my buddies actually found the Arkenstone once.