RˣAmina

Food from my partner
Watermelon slices, apple slices, toast with egg and tomato

The doom thrill
Self sabotaging only for the purpose of being in control. Hurting and loving only for the purpose of feeling something. It's stupid, but it fills the void. Well, at least I recognize it now and can let myself feel the thrill and do nothing.

Okay, it's calming down
It's like a weird doom thrill. It's really hard to explain...

hot bath overwhelms senses
mind is calming down and blanking out

God I feel bad. Whatever.

I want a thrill. BPD thrill. You know what I mean. Stupid thrill. Recklessly playing with fire.

I dreamt of meeting you and it was a mess and chaos. Must not allow black and white thinking, if it's painful, accept the pain because it's useful. I know it feels distant and difficult, it'll get better in your mind afterwards.

By that I mean, living in a country that has Russian speakers and learning both Estonian and Russian languages. I wonder how it could've gone differently or if I ever was destined to stay in Sweden forever.

As a result, yesterday, I was on a discord call with several Russian speakers babbling their inside jokes and I thought how interesting it was that my life ended up here.

I have been learning Russian. For the reasons: 1) Can do basic polite communication with Russian-speaking Kemoverse players 2) Can understand if I have to speak to babushkas who speak to me in public.

Things are recoverable, knowledge can be changed, I have control over my life and can pick in what direction I want to go to.

Okay, I see. I'm just a broken person, broken at start with a family that wasn't there, and my own cowardice that led to loneliness, and for the past decade I just escaped the loneliness. I sabotaged myself, yes, but I had emotional reasons for it. Well, I can only think how to do better from now on

Pain is good. Just cry. It's fine. Nothing will happen. Just feel hurt from the mistakes others tell you did. Just feel hurt. It's okay. You will survive and continue on. No need to run away. It's mostly in your head. Don't you like it, kinda? Don't you like the emotional pain? You do, a little bit.

Everything is hurting. I want to fade away.

Things will be fine, they always become fine, it's just a matter of drive and belief, I have both in plenty amount

However many times I mentally trip over, I seem to always stand up after

I can remove emotions and I won't become a robot and betray myself, my mind is just regulating itself and I'll be more capable and sane and further able to be a human

Mind melting again
But I'll survive like always
It's just emotions, emotions don't belong in existence

It's okay that you wrote support to me, i appreciate it even if it was deleted.

Take it as a learning lesson, I suppose, don't depend on others too much, don't let them make decisions for your well being, feel your self authority and confidence grow and take control. Acknowledge that you can have specific people help you but only if you are comfortable.

Eh. What's there to say... my mind is sane, for now? I feel regret thinking how emotionally toyed I was. But nothing I can do about now, I just have to learn and move on and remove as many emotions as possible. They are noisy and misleading...

I'm fine, I think.

I took a selfie and apparently I'm a 7/10 milf

I'm sane now, I asked things and it went fine, must remember this is how reality is like, not like the one that's in my mind

I calmed down, but still feel numb
How charming of me, teeheee

I'm so tired of my own brain
I'm reading books about BPD but it's difficult, I just feel flawed reading them

Numb now