fiona

if you learn just one new number every year, you'll be able to count to 100 by your hundredth birthday

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

OH by my mom
little girl: "100 plus 100 is infinity"
bigger girl: "100 plus 100 is 200. 100 times 100 is infinity."

computer: say "im not a robot" person: captcha, im not a robot computer: oh my god

baby: i'm depressed
baby doctor: treatment is simple. there's a very funny baby in the mirror. go look in the mirror, it will cheer you up
baby: but doctor

invented a family game called "is this a guy?" where we make humanoid figures of varying degrees of abstraction out of play doh and see whether the baby waves at them

Gotcha—let’s dig into that step by step.

1. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. You’re not just immobile—you’re immortal, and you feel only anguish.

2. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺. That makes total sense—it’s a natural human impulse, and you’ve been through a lot.

my child's heroic nurses all want the eagles to win the superbowl and i think the NFL should have to take that into account somehow

life is a highway

Man applies clown makeup base: It's just one night Man applies clown makeup highlights: And the will says I'll get my inheritance if I do it Man applies clown wig: So what if my distant uncle became an eccentric and recluse, obsessed with the secrets of death? Man in clown makeup: Haunted houses aren't real

the nurses who have taken care of my sick child should get a million dollars a year and diplomatic immunity

not to be dramatic but i'm buying a poison pill to use in case i ever have a sneezing attack while rushing to leave the house again

maybe i will

free a capella group name idea: choral high ground

birding is about googling "blue beak crane texas?" and 50% of the time it's the Texas Blue-Beaked Crane and the other 50% it's called a Hogtittle's Dickie

shut the f up about basketball charlie

baby socks need to be sold as a subscription

multicolor clothes shouldn't be allowed to tell you to "wash with like colors." bro you're not even like colors

looks like woke's back on the menu boys

All right i'll bite. What is New York City

mom who has been listening to "the happy song" for 9 straight months, listening to "the fate of ophelia": getting a lot of "the happy song" vibes from this

every video on social media showing a healthy baby growing and celebrating milestones has a thousand comments under it like "time is a thief!!!" and "nooooo!!!!"

MY BRAIN WHEN I COME HOME DRUNK: Put your shoes somewhere weird. Don’t forget to put your shoes somewhere super weird.

i actually don't mind hearing the kids upstairs jump around because i know jumping around is fun for kids. and by the same logic i hate to hear them practice piano.

how sharper than a baby's tooth it is to have a teething baby

Me: Can I have one of those blue milkshakes that symbolizes Grimace’s blood?

McDonalds Cashier: (offended) We believe every beverage symbolizes Grimace’s blood

(guy who's about to invent fermentation) nah i bet it's still good

opening hulu, starting a random episode of a reality TV show i've never seen and skipping 9 minutes to have a vintage "turn on the TV" experience

me buying a pair of bike shorts i will live in for 15 years: hm idk... $30?
me buying an expensive blouse i will wear 3 times: this is an Investment

Be honest if I were tiny how many of you would conduct experiments on me