fiona

shut the f up about basketball charlie

baby socks need to be sold as a subscription

taking a scrolling break every time i see an ad for the fold out couch i googled reviews for

multicolor clothes shouldn't be allowed to tell you to "wash with like colors." bro you're not even like colors

looks like woke's back on the menu boys

All right i'll bite. What is New York City

mom who has been listening to "the happy song" for 9 straight months, listening to "the fate of ophelia": getting a lot of "the happy song" vibes from this

baby has started doing the "say dada"/"mama" bit which is honestly a little played out at this point

every video on social media showing a healthy baby growing and celebrating milestones has a thousand comments under it like "time is a thief!!!" and "nooooo!!!!"

MY BRAIN WHEN I COME HOME DRUNK: Put your shoes somewhere weird. Don’t forget to put your shoes somewhere super weird.

i actually don't mind hearing the kids upstairs jump around because i know jumping around is fun for kids. and by the same logic i hate to hear them practice piano.

how sharper than a baby's tooth it is to have a teething baby

Me: Can I have one of those blue milkshakes that symbolizes Grimace’s blood?

McDonalds Cashier: (offended) We believe every beverage symbolizes Grimace’s blood

(guy who's about to invent fermentation) nah i bet it's still good

opening hulu, starting a random episode of a reality TV show i've never seen and skipping 9 minutes to have a vintage "turn on the TV" experience

me buying a pair of bike shorts i will live in for 15 years: hm idk... $30?
me buying an expensive blouse i will wear 3 times: this is an Investment

Be honest if I were tiny how many of you would conduct experiments on me

Patient, sobbing: But Doctor, I AM Pagliacci!
ChatGPT: Apologies. I didn't realise when recommending Pagliacci's epic show to cure your depression that you were the genius himself. I'm impressed! With regards to your initial question, I can recommend seeing the Great Clown Pagliacci.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: math stuff

Hey, the common loon called. Yeah, it was hauntingly beautiful

i can excuse destroying the environment but i draw the line at defaming the em dash

fruit by the foot is who fruit rollups thinks she is

Animals need to think of an easier way to drink water

@akiva.bsky.social just finally stopped by Rex's Bodega and it's amazing! Cellino and Barney's, Steg Yun and Dino Smith all made me LOL. It's so so good! I'm trying to bring my dino obsessed kid friends

i know every family develops its own hyperniche canon but i'm still shocked by how quickly we've started saying things like "of course she won't nap, you didn't let her say goodnight to 𝓼𝓸𝓯𝓽 𝓶𝓸𝓸𝓷"

since we obtained a helium balloon the baby has spent most of her waking hours obsessively studying it and i don't have the heart to tell her it's basically the only thing that works like that

not sure if this is already how the social clusters work but graph embeddings of follows/interaction counts would make sense if you want something like a social similarity measurement for ranking

Modified onion headline: well well well, EASY to find a mayor who doesn’t suck shit, huh?

andrew cuomo won't see your insults but corrupt, serial sexual harassers who are trying to run cities they don't actually live in will

psychologically load-bearing concepts of early parenthood part 2:
- vibe shift
- elevenses
- "thank god nobody overreacted"