railey

not that i'm particularly ecstatic to engage with fandom on a larger scale, i'm not really great with people. but it'd be nice to give people additional motivation to make art about our favourite characters, you know

thought that it'd be kind of interesting to organise a kuwagami week, but it feels like we're all just dispersed over different platforms, and it'd be hard to attract to the event someone not already in the same circle of people?

and i did all that while thinking they are not in love at all! lol. gotta love being stupid sometimes, especially if funny situations like that can arise

tbh, a bit of a spoiler, but i talk about this in chapter 7 actually, so idk why i yap now 🙈 but thinking how i can write them falling in love convincingly while staying true to canon... it's been Hard, but still fun and fascinating

anyway, that's not the point (though i'm still hurt that me having positive feelings about a pairing is something to mock, that was meaninglessly mean). so, in my fic, they are in love, though for someone like kuwana and yagami, that's a weird feeling to have towards the other.

being a shipper=believing a pairing is canonical is such a new and weird notion... well, i like yagami/sugiura since the first game, yagami/higashi, higashi/sugiura, kaito/yagami, kaito/higashi, etc. as well, does it mean they are all supposed to be canonical?

i still think about one person referring to me shipping them derisively, and yeah, i'm a delusional shipper, but no, kuwana and yagami don't have an easy relationship which can be described as hatred. i mean, i can make a huge post with screenshots from the game showing that

well, love is complicated for them, but it's still love. but maybe it's better described with some other word which i cannot think of. and yeah, they care about each other, they don't hate each other in the end of the game as well, though it's easy to see their relationship as that

tbh i've always had doubts if this fic going to be about them being in love, because... love seems like such an easy thing, such a simple, pure emotion that doesn't fit them at all. they don't look like they like each other at all, how can they be in love?

i'm just so great at writing oblivious unreliable narrator yagami that he tricked ME with his denial as well 🤦‍♀️

and when my friends said "yeah, the sex in the first chapter is not casual at all, they already have feelings for each other", i thought "shit, yagami's been in love with kuwana all this time?!!?". because... yeah... he's been in love with him since before the start of the fic lol,

though the funniest thing i've experienced with this fic still is me going "haha yagami accepts his feelings only in chapter 5 when he's been in love with kuwana since, idk, the middle of 2nd chapter lol!" for several months,

i just imagine people reading the fic seeing yagami repeat "no, i WON'T meet kuwana EVER again for sure" time and time again and then look at the chapter count like "sure buddy, of course you won't see kuwana in the next 4 chapters"

ok ok another one little yap session until a pill helping with blood pressure works
been giggling while re-reading chapter 3 this time, because yagami is such a copiummaster3000 there

ok yap session is over, back to my job i go... and continue to be a responsible adult and all that... <- delusional

so, ig gonna yap some more about it here. just messages into the void to shame myself over. kinda hope my excuses will be seen by the people who actually wait for the chapter, but i've made finding me difficult on purpose at the same time lol

but it doesn't matter in the end of the day. it feels good to disappear from others' mind. freeing, in a way. and the main motivation for finishing this fic is to stop other people to expect it to continue. i hate thinking that i'm letting someone else down with how my brain works

my autism telling me to disappear until i have no obligations and/or expectations from other people anyway, so i guess it's a win if less people like my work? it's not a wasted effort even if nobody likes it, i've loved writing even when nobody saw my work. but still i wonder what people think

but whatever. i've always written for myself, and i've started this fic only because i wanted a story catered only to myself (it'd be hard to find otherwise, because... you know... 14 works on the tag, what are the odds?), so... at least now people have the variety, and that's great

the only outstanding thing about me as a writer is that i have the long ass fic, but it's barely an accomplishment when there are other long fics which people prefer more, so idk really thinking about my place in the fandom because of that

always wondering though if i'm considered by other people as someone uhhhh big lol, idk how to phrase it better, because i've only published a handful of fics and not that they're greater than any other on the tag

anyway, logged on twt and found a couple of new shippers there, and wow, my silly little rarepair is thriving actually. looted a couple fanarts thinking "aww and i remember it being this 🤏 small (14 fics on ao3)". strange to think that so much time has passed already

i've set the Final deadline for myself, and it's 5th of november, because *coughs* i won't be normal about a totally different thing for quite a while (which actually nerfed me in june and ig to this day...). so making an ambush on me while armed with pipes on 4th is strongly advised

chapter 7 doesn't piss me off, fortunately, and although there's a lot work to be done for it to be finally in a decent enough state, there are still plenty of lines/moments that make me go "OUGHHH... OUHHGJJJGHHH....", so my only hope it's gonna be a treat worth waiting for

but tbh i'm more in a mood to read other's works than to write mine. but also i'm so so so close to finally leave this fic behind... it's truly been long overdue

anyway, at this point this is just a question of locking in. and praying work, social life and other interests aren't as draining as they are

on the other hand, i've met several people because of it, and who knows would it be ever completed/posted if i decided to write it first and then publish a finished version, so *shrugs*. writing has always been a very lonely hobby, but having a 6+ months hiatuses is just plain cruel

i've never written wips before always preferring one-shots, and now, after one (1) experience publishing an incomplete story i can confidently say Never Fucking Again. for my own sanity, as well as the people who'd stumble on a wip and risk reading it

some questionable writing decisions were certainly been made there. babygirl you wouldn't have to re-read 109k fucking words of your own work if you didn't repeat the same thought several times. or if you didn't explain every little thing, like your readers have no brain at all. goddamn

sometimes i remember one person admitting they've re-read my fic several times, often while i'm re-reading the same thing, and all i can do is think, "holy heck honey, why you did this to yourself?". i know that's only an author in me speaking, but