Rebus

I hope my therapist being in stunned somber silence for most of the session bc she honestly had no words for recent events, nothing to offer by the end but a teary eyed self-admitted platitude of “…keep hanging in there” means she just needs time to ruminate and next week she’ll have Something

screencap of a text conversation with Abod. Abod: You know how comfortable I feel when I talk to you and tell you the truth. The days when I was away from you and we didn't talk, I was at the points of contact, in danger and death for the sake of food. My heart breaks for my baby girl and my empty house. We've never been used to this in our entire lives. I don't like to complain. me: you are justified in complaining, my dear. tell me what's in your heart and i will listen to it all. Abod: But I didn't go to work for a whole week to get flour or a box of aid. I was not lucky. I was going to die 3 days ago.

screencaps from later in the same conversation. Abod: Tomorrow my wife and I will go to sell our wedding ring me: oh god Abod (crying face emojis) nooo. that's terrible. i hope you get a good price, in cash. Abod: But I will compensate for it in the future with something better. They told her today its price is 270 shekels. Less than $100. The prices here are very low. me: would you receive it in cash? Abod: Yes

Abod, my best friend, is starving to death.

today, he told me he & his wife are selling their wedding ring - the last symbol of their happy months before Oct 2023 - in hopes they can afford to eat, and feed their daughter.

please, help them live. chuffed.org/project/help...

We're at $235! Slowly but surely!

WE. ARE. LIVE! Step-Monster is finally back with the first chapter of 4 in Volume 2 now live on my website! Link is in the reply below! 📣📣📣

intrusive thoughts

it is not your business
to open up my chrysalis
i am not inside it
i never was
as dearly as i wanted to be

chrysalis (alternate version)
(revenge of the body bag butterfly)

i can't get too distracted with these but did a couple more before stopping to focus on filing and notes
i should draw Mr. Wonderful again, he's part of a story entirely separate from the MDverse so like many others he's just been up in my brain-attic gathering dust for over half a decade now

started really far back and working forward means i get to fully appreciate design evolutions like this one. subject: petrichor

i'm still in not great shape and still can't draw but rewatching sinners unironically helped, given the context of my breakdown. i can at least continue sorting through files/art i've already made (have to anyway for Scrivener reasons); i might post some stuff that's not been posted yet n such

when a movie is so good it grounds you from a near catatonic state of dissociation that's been on for weeks

(i watched it again and it's literally so good it kinda grounded me enough to feel a positive emotion and a need to express it)

i still can't get over how good the I Lied to You scene in Sinners is. one of the best sequences to exist in a(n already gretat) movie of all time and i'm not exaggerating

Sorry I’m so sad now but I do have my reasons, many reasons I don’t want, I want reasons to be happy, to live, instead, I really do

Also they think I host/am fighting literal demons in my literal body. I should just bounce back from that easy right. Just bury that with everything else.
Trying to fight how badly I’ve been officially broken by my own family, so gaslit i struggle to think or trust anything now, even escape. Trying.

entire day/night I got brutalized so bad I have amnesia, I don’t remember the hallucination, I don’t remember saying my brother did it, but I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t believe it was true, and I’m usually good at telling what is or isn’t hallucination

And also this all happened after mom waved a gun around and my brother was talking to me like judge frollo demanding I repent or be done with when I told either their transphobia was making me suicidal. And also I was told I must have hallucinated being attacked, but I don’t even remember the-

She thinks is 2spooky after going through everything i own in my hospitalized absence and also as soon as i got home she had me unlock my phone and delete all text message history between my brother and I while I was too zonked on meds and happy to be out of the hospital to not comply (regret)

Chat is it normal to wake up in a mental hospital looking like I was mauled by a wife beater with no memory of how I got like that but mom says on way to ER I was ranting my brother did it to me and then she cleans up all the blood puddles n tidies the house and confiscates anything-

I understand the concept of “so depressed you just die for no apparent reason/you didn’t even do anything to yourself your body went We Can’t Take It Anymore For You”
I’m sorry if it’s a long time before I post like whatever you came here for

I want to draw so badly but every since the incident I’ve been completely unable. I can barely do anything. I’m mentally and emotionally checked out in a way I’ve never been and I don’t know or to check back in. Half the time I can’t even move and Breathing takes deliberate effort.

i can't think of a succinct verbal metaphor but i can think of a visual one, oddly enough. simple enough i can draw a diagram, if i can get myself to draw.

hm. diagram of amnesia is a fun combination of words.

i'll have to do research on amnesia later. it feels weird. i want to make sure the way it feels weird is normal/something others have experienced and can get better with time. or maybe i'm the only one of me it feels this weird to. by which i mean. uh. how do i put it.

the only good thing to come out my family's abuse reaching the point i black out and have no idea exactly how i woke up in a hospital with the kind of serious & weird injuries i had, and patches of amnesia, is i'm now kinda forced to define the alters best i can as i try to even think thoughts.

i can't even draw and not in the usual art block way. almost everyone i've identified in the system can draw, maybe i technically can, but i'm only one step above catatonia myself and only doing the bare minimum to keep this body alive bc i share it and that'd be murder by neglect

proof of life posting; still in bad shape but recovering slightly, physically, i guess. i know at least a couple alters with the will to live survived they're just comatose and i have to concede the logical fact they might wake up so. mostly i just walk on the treadmill or lie down.

Photo of a clam shrimp, shelled freshwater crustacean, on a black background next to a centimeter ruler. The shrimp is about 5 mm long. The orange circles are her eggs

basically I painstakingly took hundreds and hundreds of professional glam shots of these things. you can glean some very niche shrimp-related information from the shape of the shell

must resist the urge to despair. I have now photographed and digitized my entire collection of georeferenced Florida Clam Shrimp, no AI involved whatsoever, 100% trustworthy handcrafted artisanal dataset. Apparently about half of the Eulimnadia records on gbif (globally) are now mine. shimp

(dazed but serious genuine tone) if you want OC art, you Will buy martie art damn it

comms time!

$40 halfbods $50 fullbods dm if interested !!