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i'm already so impatient n nervous i neeed to skip to the part where we're anxious as fuck over stabbing a needle in

visit yesterday went well despite being so so stressed the entire day n now all i have to do is wait once more until the prescription's in our hands.., we're so fucking close

the biggest issue is our voice n i'm still a little scared of being a long while on hrt n STILL sounding annoying asf to ourselves anyways. idk maybe this is just usual pre-t "what if i still don't like it" fears

coping rly hard w the 4 days until our clinic visit by obsessively searching up every little info n random people's hrt timelines as much as we can ( i am really anxious over 50 things )

im so sick of having worsened memory

disc servers are so cliquey that they will Ignore you if you aren't in their Acquaintance Circle & accepting random dms from people has only led to friends who disregard boundaries or become so overly attached they spiral & kill themselves if we don't confess our love to them day 1 wtf do we do

when will i make friends who actually like me ( and aren't creeps ) ( and not weird ) ( and aren't willing to let me drown in a cold lake alone )

we were gonna play little nightmares 3 demo w our partner n was so confused n getting distressed abt why it kept suddenly disappearing whenever i tried to open it. i forgot my kamvas technically counts as a 2nd monitor
i'm never getting used to this shit

i am in a dire need for beef veggie kebab in general actually

there is an extra packet of chili but i do not know where else to use it. i must find beef and take it into my own hands

been thinking abt beef kebab with sichuan chili powder for like the past two weeks ever since we went to a bbq i miss her

we still have our issues w/ fearing perception & objectification now, but it happens way less often than it could've when it's being w/ someone who just. allows us space to be & won't shove us into a box for convenience or self-interest. no making up doll versions of ourselves in their head.

i still think abt the time i told our partner abt the times we would be forcefemmed and secretly seen as a Girl just donning on fun little labels, or shoved into a binary box by him+friends. & their response was "if it's anything, i don't see you as a man either"+

i don't know if our ex still stalks our socials yrs later and we will continue w our usual anyway even if he still does. but if there's one last thing i can rub in his face, it's now being in a loving T4T relationship w our partner where we genuinely feel safe, personified, & respected.

ive been wondering why it was so silent for so long but forcing themselves to speak where they aren't comfortable & being expected to know people back or seen as an extension of someone else isn't something we want. i think its genuinely stunting our growth as a system

been frontstuck for so long and it's taking a toll on me but i cant do anything about it because i'm always needed n expected to be there for something
but no one else wants to front bc they're not comfortable talking around our friends yet but there's nowhere else to speak in

we’re boutta see a whole wave of people putting “homestuck fans dni” on their strawpage

-i still keep hesitating and staring at the "order" button bc i'm not used to spending a huge chunk of money n i'm way more scared of the risks of delivery theft / mishaps

w that being said, our kris has told us all the reasons we should replace our laptop as soon as possible w how much it's degraded n how much frustration it's given us & how getting the new pc will keep us able to not go insane w/ frustration & navigate the internet better. and yet-

having some savings and calling it "emergency money" has kinda fucked us over because now we can't even define what an actual emergency counts as in the sense that we could be at risk of homelessness rn and we'd STILL think that's not enough good reason to dig into our savings

i just want to be able to play n actually consider getting games without dragging other people down.. we've grown up playing everything under 15 fps and everything taking 5 mins to actually close it's getting ridiculous

we keep thinking abt reopening comms now that we're looking for something to properly replace this laptop for good since it's been degrading heavily this year.. but that'd mean setting up info and figuring out new prices n all that and we just can't be bothered

somewhat unrelated note though if you assume all of us are gonna be friendly bestie sunshine n rainbow headmates or that we are gonna act like our source we are going to fucking kill you sorry. i've already played these games before :broken_jeart:

everytime a popular post talking abt plurality or DID in general pops up n my tl, i have to restrain myself to not look at the post or even its replies bc then i'll get reminded abt why a lot of systems generally mask / hide n it makes me sad

which is what i'd say if we actually worked w/ in-sys communication more and knew how to easily switch voluntarily

ive been a lot more irritated n pissed off lately i think that means it's time to leave front

we're trying not to let the association ruin it too hard but i don't know. a lot of the others are too worried about them just being Porn Material again if someone else externally rekindles their interest in said oc again

who knew an oc that used to give us so much joy to talk about has now ended up giving us so much suffering and conflict internally even now. lol

i never thought abt ranch was made of but i never expected it to just be sour cream n mayo