Patrick Storck

Thing is, ya see, the left doesn’t care for the most part that the president sucked a dick. Buchanon, right? But that one? It’s just proof the man who eats McDonalds while on a first class flight has no taste.

Republicans don’t have enough gas money to drive off a cliff, and are blaming the democrats for not getting in the car and kicking in.

They’re waiting to announce his death officially until St Peter finishes reading off his list of sins

They’re waiting to announce his death officially until Stephen Miller stops having a Jeremy Piven style meltdown

They’re waiting to announce his death officially until they notify the family, and nobody can find Eric’s number

Trump suggests renaming the Kennedy Center the Trump Center. If this happens, it would be the performance space most frequently named in the Epstein report

If your 2025 bingo card had Pamela Anderson hooking up with Darkman, and preaching David Lynch from the Criterion closet, the font in that square must’ve been tiny.

My house is haunted by James Randi, but every time I get my camera out he hides. Cheap bastard!

I made the mistake of telling my fitness tracker my goals and now it keeps thinking I’m going to try

Media shocked that public didn’t overwhelmingly support media backed ladder grabbing centrist. Film at eleven.

The hot toy this Christmas is going to be a remote control squeaky tank

Someone left a KKK out in the rain

Holding Fyre Fest in DC this time didn’t help

Had an idea for a writing prompt. Play wordle or a similar game. Then take the words you used and figure out a situation that uses them all.

It’s weird seeing people now saying “this isn’t what I voted for,” because it’s what I voted against

The grammar of truth is at play right now. The government and press can truthfully say the LA protests escalated to violence. They will just leave out who escalated it if advancing the government’s position

Things my cat does on catnip:

Sniff my eyebrows

Fight my box of Addams Family Cereal

Convince me we have a ghost

Lay down to take a nap. Mind wanders. Figure out the intentionally overcomplex structure for a script that’s been all loose ideas until now. Clotheslines strung, just need to start hanging all the gags on them and start smoothing out the bumps. After that nap.

After a long session of insomnia stretching I laid down and felt so relaxed I actually said “oh my gosh”

Trump in 2015: We’re gonna drain the swamp!

His health secretary in 2025: Swamp’s fine, jump on in!

When you wake up in the middle of the night with a weird taste in your mouth, but you don’t want to make too much noise with your electric toothbrush. But then you remember that if you don’t hit the button it’s still a toothbrush.

But a great example. I know people who might say they don’t know any Gaga until you play one, then another, then another, and they get it

There’s always talk of one hit wonders, sometimes a novelty song and sometimes just far from their best work, a gateway single. But what about groups or artists who most people can name 5 or more songs even if they weren’t hits? Whattaya got?

DJT is the worst parts of Lex Luthor and Booster Gold

It’s weird when you go to scream into the void and you get there and it’s already screaming back everything you’re thinking.

Me too, void. Me too.

If the SAVE act passes, married women may want to consider reverting back to their maiden names (where applicable) so it matches your birth certificate, so you retain the ability to vote.

If your husband refuses, consider divorce.

If Trump is such a good golfer, they should totally broadcast these tournaments he’s in so we can see the master at work. Live and uncut

Ryan Murphy just started work on a Weezer miniseries

Like if infinite monkeys were typing and one of them came up with “The mystery of Cabin Island” and it’s statistically impressive but not even one of the better Hardy Boys novels.

What if we’re in the smartest timeline and the Watchers are like “holy shit they got to the moon then just ate it”?