David Schmader

(think literal police)

It's all there in the hint! (One helper clue: rob the cops of capitalization)

Of course you can’t, so here’s a hint: one is like an international version of The Police, the other could’ve been the Domingos, and my disdain for each is idiosyncratic if not irrational. I just can’t stand the sounds they make, and there are so many other sounds to listen to.

Everything’s dumb so let’s do a pile-on: There are two bands whose music immediately sends me diving for the skip button. One is from the 80s, the other is from the 90s, and both are so benign it’s ridiculous to have them as audio enemies but here we are. CAN YOU GUESS WHO THESE BANDS ARE?

one reason it's a fair fight is they both have compromised bladders

A dozen-plus pairs of scissors stored upright in a red cup emblazoned with I LOVE GAY LOVE and an illustrated image of two axes in love

Bricks are so bulky this pride throw scissors

A streetside message-board sign for Eastwood Church of Christ, printed with the phrase GODS GIFTS ARE LIKE BUTTER SPREAD THEM

coming back after dark to change that ER to an S

I'm so vanilla that when I encounter a Prince Albert piercing I immediately call an ambulance

I know you can't really plan these things but I will be perfectly happy if my final words are I was today years old when I died

People who enjoy cigars also enjoy being photographed enjoying cigars. This is not the case with cigarettes or rimming.

Headline: ICE came for their neighbor so these Tennesseans formed a human chain to protect him

I can't emphasize enough that the most important thing journalists can do right now is publish exactly this kind of article

gimme

i got that rothko pussy. people see it and they're like "i could do that"

Democratic leaders act like time travelers afraid to do anything that might change the future

Cathy-based economy. Replacing global trade with saying “Ack” a lot

Saw a guy putting swastika stickers on a brand new Tesla so I bravely went over to intervene but turned out it was just the owner expressing his political beliefs

billboard that says "second opinion sewer"

have you ever wondered where bad replies come from

i love seeing a million posts like "it's funny that he is suffering" and not only do we all know who he is but we all want the same thing. like who's the pronoun now dipshit

Cory Booker has just broken Strom Thurmond's record for longest Senate filibuster ever, which stood for 68 years.

Thurmond set it objecting to the Civil Rights Act of 1957.

Booker set it arguing against authoritarianism.

May Strom's name be forgotten and his memory erased.

wow! i don't trust you anymore

like where do fiction writers get the balls??

A black-and-white border collie, comfortably collapsed on his side, gazing wide-eyed through all human existence, with a vanilla dog biscuit just hanging out in his mouth, no biggie

Took Pierre to the vet to check out his hot new limp, brought him home on doggy morphine for an inflamed knee, now he's on the floor with a cookie in his mouth. He'll be chasing this high for the rest of his life.

#TeslaTakedown!

Flier advertising upcoming protest at the Tesla dealership in El Paso TX, on Saturday March 29.

Speaking of atrocities, please join me in peacefully protesting the atrocious doings of Elon Musk and his DOGE chaos monkeys THIS SATURDAY at the El Paso Tesla dealership.

I will not be committing any atrocities. I may have atrocities visited upon me, but I can’t let them force me to commit atrocities of my own. “So you’re an atrocity bottom,” my brother said, and I felt seen.

I’ve stubbed out in the parking lot, unwilling to enter a building stuffed with gun culture when I could just stay in the car and listen to Julia Louis-Dreyfus interview Carol Burnett. After losing two gun-class deposits, I concluded that no matter how shitty things get...

Sometimes it seems that acquainting myself with the basic workings of a gun would be empowering, literally and maybe even spiritually. But both times I’ve enrolled in Concealed Carry classes—essentially Gun 101, conducted at your local gun shop—

I took a nap is it illegal to frown at a Tesla yet

I am begging blue state governors to have lunch this week with your adjutant general of the National Guard.

Cannot stress enough how important this relationship is going to be in the near future.