Allegedly Verified Shen

Elain Musk’s pain this past week brings me much joy.

How does Homer Simpson always shave his face but then has a five o’clock shadow?

RuPaul must absolutely hate Chappell Roan’s success as a drag queen artist.

Why don’t they just put a girl on?

I showed my fiancé who Business Baby was in #Invincible 👍🏼
Then I showed his death 👎🏼

Who knew #ABugsLife would be so relevant to today’s climate.

Lopunny? Gardevoir?? VAPOREON??? Basic ass choices. Give me Jynx.

My partner: “yeah, I can read your mind. People who make love can read each other’s thoughts.”
Me: “what?”
My partner: “I know what you’re thinking. Stay away from those cats.”

Alright. About 7 more lobster tails and I’m good.

I’m getting so tired of Citibank. They have been declining random purchases and letting others go through. I have no clue how they determine which ones are fine and which ones aren’t. They just decline random purchases. How is this a thing?!?!

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

It’s February. You know what that means? Every Friday is Black Friday!

If the kimchi isn’t crispy, I know there were no Koreans involved. Dare I say, Asians in general.

*Doctor looking at my baby’s disfigured legs*: so what happened here?
Me: did you know babies are born WITHOUT knee caps?

Tolerance can only exist if you fight intolerance.

I swear to god. If Sarah Paine becomes my funnel into alt-right but East Asian supremacy, I’m going to be a little ticked off.

I will never get over how much of a masterpiece Tropic Thunder is.

#Mashle #MagicandMuscles is such a funny show. It’s just a bunch of tech nerds nerding out on their DnD skills, bullying anyone being unique and not elitist, then Arnold Schwarzenegger just walks into the room and pummels everyone. Announcing each body part as he bruises these nerds’ entire bodies.

Fiancée: “I think I’m ready. I’m ready to move in with you.”
Me (dressed as Goofy): “oh gawrsh!”

Beauty and the Beast wholeheartedly promotes slaves being happy in their servitude. Have you actually, ACTUALLY, listened to “Be Our Guest”?

Just saw a horde of police cars drive in the direction of the fire. They do know you can’t shoot the fire away, right?

Has anybody checked in on Frankenstein? He must be terrified. His Pasadena estate was made of rubbish he found at the dump yard. Specifically the “flammable” section. I hope he’s fine.

As someone living in Los Angeles, I’m really happy the city approved the measure to increase police funding. Crime may be down but we can’t let our enemies know this. Look at all of the fires started by criminals. We need cops finding these thugs, not stopping the devastating fires.

My favorite pastime is hanging out with homeless people and eating cake they found in the dumpster of the local Vons.

Going commando is a different kind of freedom.

Of course the state where you can’t feed moose alcohol then throw them out of plane would also be the most East, North, and West location in our country.

Madisynn and Wongers friendship is the only thing keeping the MCU from imploding. #SheHulk

The weed industry definitely revitalized glass-blowing.

Now she keeps calling me Homer Simpson and saying I’m identical.

Watching the The Simpsons Christmas special and my fiancée keeps yelling “Ned Flanders is gonna kill himself!”