Head Worm inside Head of HHS

HHS Employee Considers Whether Prion Disease Explains Why Everything is so Fucked Up. WASHINGTON, DC - Jerome Milkens, a 45-year-old branch manager of the Health and Resources Administration (HRSA) is currently wondering if he has contracted a prion disease given how fucked up everythi...

While Jerome Milkens, 45, has said that he has been feeling these symptoms since January 2025, this weekend has led him to the “only possible conclusion” that a prion disease is actively eating his brain and warping his perception of reality.

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Nations Around World Congratulate First Successful Launch of Kid Rock, RFK Jr Playdate NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Nations around the world assemble today at the United Nations Headquarters in New York today to issue a joint statement of support to HHS Secretary RFK Jr and American performer K...

The UN hails a major playdate in thr US, setting the stage for global health and LGBTQ rights #satire #health #rfkjr #maha open.substack.com/pub/theweekl...

Nation Mourns 34 Million Dead Due to Hearing Spanish, Seeing Twerking During Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl Half Time Show WASHINGTON, DC - President Donald Trump began Monday with a rare call for national unity and silence after approximately 34 Million Americans were killed due to hearing Spanish sung by pop sensation B...

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“Going from sexy dancing to an endearing scene of Bad Bunny talking to a neighborhood abuelita and celebrating unity across the Western Hemisphere? What type of wholesomeness has our country descended into?”, asks one survivor

Kennedy Encourages Vaccine Board to Question if Vaccines are Even Real WASHINGTON, DC - It’s time for science to begin questioning whether vaccines are not only effective, but if they are even real, according to a new directive from the HHS Secretary.

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HHS has not responded to the accidental leak of the new directive, claiming that “no there’s no such thing, you are a fucking liar” according to HHS Spokesperson and former Weekly Needle copyeditor Andrew Nixon.

Bari Weiss’s New CBS Hires Include Bacteria Alleged to Have Caused Black Death NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Hoping to broaden CBS’s news to reflect “a more balanced, holistic” view of medicine, Bari Weiss has hired Yersinia Pestis, better known as the bacteria that causes the Black Deat...

When asked about Yersinia Pestis’ controversial past, Weiss commented that “while it was a concern, we see controversy as proof that someone has something valuable to say”.

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HHS to Approve “Miracle Subtance” of 90’s - 2000’s Era Novelty Toy Floam as Key to Curing Vaccines. WASHINGTON DC - Noting the “miracle substance” that is known as Floam, HHS Secretary RFK Jr arrived at a press conference at HHS Headquarters Thursday with his mouth stuffed with the play-do like subs...

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“Not only is this stuff yummy” said RFK Jr as he washed down a serving of Floam with a concoction of Floam and raw milk, “but also it takes all the mercury from vaccines that live in our body. It certainly has cured me of my autism”.

“It’s Super Good with Helping Women and Stuff” - Dr. Oz Appears at Press Conference in Robotic Exoskeleton to Perform Ultrasounds BIRMINGHAM, AL - Responding to the critical need for more OBGYNs in rural Alabama, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services Director Dr.

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Tourists Descend on DC for Annual Molting of Stephen Miller WASHINGTON, DC - Tourists from some parts of the country arrive in DC this weekend to witness the annual molting of the White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller’s molting.

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“A New Day for Global Health” Trump Administration Signs Global Health MoU with Penguins from Heard & McDonald Islands WASHINGTON, DC - While the Trump Administration adopts a more aggressive foreign policy posture as the diplomatic tensions with NATO member Denmark over Greenland, both the Departments of State and He...

The Heard & McDonald Islander Delegation included the Prime Minister Paul Penguinowitz, Minister of Foreign Affairs Samantha Waddleston, and Islander Ambassador to the US Flippy Flappy the Dancing Penguin.

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“People Need Their Protein”: RFK Jr Encourages FDA to Fast Track Approval of New Beef Tallow-Based Unfiltered Cigarettes WASHINGTON, DC - In a move to improve Americans’ overall consumption of animal proteins in line with the new food pyramid, HHS Secretary RFK Jr has asked the FDA to implement a fast-track approval pro...

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Chimpanzees used during the anima testing stage all died from being caught on fire from the beef tallow-laced unfiltered cigarettes, but that was most likely caused by being vaccinated, says RFK Jr

RFK Jr Bases New Food Pyramid on “Technologically Advanced” Principles of Pyramid Building from Ancient Extraterrestrial WASHINGTON, DC - HHS Secretary Kennedy has clarified that the new food pyramid guidelines rolled out less week were less influenced by the need to introduce beef tallow, and more to synchronize Americ...

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Eat less processed foods, consume more orgone energy to better align your soul against the Reptilian Threat, says RFK Jr

“We Will End the War on Protein”; RFK Jr HHS is “Reviewing Strong Options” for “Liberating” Local Vegan Restaurant. ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA, ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN - Local vegan restaurant “Sprouts n Fresh” is preparing for a possible military strike from over the Potomac river by HHS after the third day of negative ...

“Sometimes to end a war you need to start a few” declared HHS Secretary Kennedy

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HHS’s New Mascot Wonder the Naturally Vaccinated Super Dog Dies from Complications Due to Hepatitis B Wonder's death does not derail the controversial Hepatitis B vaccine study, claims RFK Jr.

Wonder was selected as part of the controversial Hepatitis B study in Guinea-Bissau to help put a “warm, friendly” face that many in the medical field have labeled as deeply unethical. RFK Jr is doubling down, saying “This is what Wonder would have wanted”.

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RFK Jr Remains Unfazed Despite Visits by Spirits of Christmas Diseases’ Past, Present, and Yet to Come LONDON, UK - RFK Jr has not changed his behavior or thinking, despite being visited by three spirits wishing to change him.

“I remain a man of science…I must know how critical it is to keep going on a certain trajectory despite empirical evidence potentially pointing the opposite” declared Secretary Kennedy

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Dr. Oz “Conducted Research” on Phalloplasty Claims by Asking DC Parents If Their Child’s Penis Cost $150,000 WASHINGTON, DC - CMS Director Dr.

The Weekly Needle reports on Dr. Oz’s research on the average cost of boy penises for the average American

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#dr.oz #cms #hhs

Lonely RFK Jr Wonders Why He Wasn't Included in Vanity Fair Photoshoot "My skin is leathery enough to be zoomed in and mocked by the internet" says a lonely RFK Jr. crying to himself on a park bench on the National Mall.

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“I don’t get it - I don’t moisturize either,” said RFK Jr. according to several eyewitnesses who could hear him mumbling to himself last night as news about the recent Vanity Fair photoshoot

Weaponized Ticks Received Guns, Fentanyl, and Lyme Disease from Venezuelan Narcoterrorists, Claims New RFK Jr Report WASHINGTON, DC - HHS Secretary RFK Jr has called for a renewed focus on “diagnostic efforts” for Lyme Disease after a new report from HHS links ticks to Venezuelan narcoterrorists .

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“Thanks to this report, we can finally label ticks not just as bioweapons, but also bioterrorists. And narcoterrorists. They are bio-narcoterrorists. Maybe even bio-narco-jihadists,” claimed Kennedy.

As Country Sees Rising Measles Cases, RFK Jr Taps New Advisor Dr. Wacky Pants to Explain SEMINOLE, TX - As the US surpasses a new milestone in reported measles cases since the disease was declared eliminated in the country, HHS Secretary RFK Jr addressed the public about the dangers of va...

Since the press briefing, there have been at least three measles cases from the briefing including Dr. Wacky Pants.

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Panicked RFK Jr Warns of Venezuelan Drag Queens that Will Enter Country if He is Impeached. WASHINGTON, DC - The Venezuelan Drag Queens who will kill 4 trillion Americans using heroin and vaccines as well as forcing all children to poop in litter-boxes are coming if Kennedy is impeached, say...

“I personally am making sure those Venezuelan drag queens and their vaccines don’t cause autism death by fentanyl” declared a seemingly-panicked RFK Jr at the press briefing

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ACIP Board Backtracks on Denmark Studies, Clarifies that Denmark is Not Real ATLANTA, GA - In a first for the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP), board members acknowledged that several case studies mentioned in the most recent committee meeting mentioning Den...

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“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire

CDC Staff Report 9000% Increase in Stroke-like Symptoms After Watching 2nd Day of ACIP Meeting "I was just watching my screen when I noticed blood was pouring out of my nose and my brain screaming" says one CDC staffer.

CDC staffers also had several other symptoms that seem unique to the incident, including rapid onset nose bleeds and as one individual put it, “like my brain was being repeatedly hit with a stupid hammer”.
#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire

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CDC Responds to Backlash from 16 Strategic Initiative Quagmire with 64 Strategic Initiatives "When in doubt, explain more" explains Acting CDC Director Jim O'Neill

The new 64 Strategic Initiatives include a wide range of new priorities for the agency, including 16 points dedicated to creating a super powerful science fiction laser beam to assassinate individuals carrying novel diseases…and one point focused on staff wellness.

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RFK Jr Clarifies Love Poetry Scandal: “Those Were Supposed to Be About My Mother” WASHINGTON, DC - The Department of Health and Human Services and MAHA were hit by a new round of scandal this week as more details of Olivia Nuzzi’s tell-all are leaked, including several explicit tex...

In an attempt to move past the growing sexting scandal from former partner Olivia Nuzzi RFK Jr explains sexually explicit texts were about his mother

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Leaked Signal Chats from Acting CDC Director Jim O'Neill Leak Internal Documents, Desire to Have Friends Over for Beer While planning for an invasion of Venezuela, Acting CDC Director asked Pete Hegseth and JD Vance to come over to have some of his stepfather's beers, play GameCube which was rejected

“Who is Jim O’Neill?” asked a user named “General Keggers”, which The Weekly Needle confirmed was Secretary Hegseth, “isn’t he that fucking weirdo nerdy guy from HHS?”

#cdc #hhs #satire

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Senator Bill Cassidy Explains He Can No Longer Read The Louisiana Senator claims he can no longer read right before CDC changed its website to link vaccines & autism

“Someone showed me the website that said that CDC is now promoting the disproven link between vaccines and autism… But since I can no longer read, I can’t look at the CDC website, so now I don’t know if he lied to me, which is really convenient”

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Stephen Miller Retracts Insurrection Statement: “I Meant to Say I Have Erectile Dysfunction & a Small Penis” WASHINGTON, DC - In an incredibly rare statement from the Trump Administration, DHS advisor Stephen Miller appeared on TV to apologize regarding statements he made claiming that Democratic lawmakers w...

Additionally, Miller is sexually attracted to feet which his wife has stopped showing him, according to Michael Wolff.

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Stephen Miller Retracts Insurrection Statement: “I Meant to Say I Have Erectile Dysfunction & a Small Penis” WASHINGTON, DC - In an incredibly rare statement from the Trump Administration, DHS advisor Stephen Miller appeared on TV to apologize regarding statements he made claiming that Democratic lawmakers w...

Miller then spent approximately 10 minutes in the FoxNews interview explaining how small and dysfunctional his penis is, comparing it to “a flat tire,” “a banana peel that has been trampled on,” and “a not very well endowed gerbil’s penis”

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“This Motherfucking Piece of Shit Needs to Learn a Goddamn Lesson” - Santa Claus Announces RFK Jr Permanently on Naughty List SANTA CLAUS’ WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE - As the North Pole gears up for the Christmas Season, Santa Claus took to the podium in a rare pre-christmas announcement.

“If these motherfuckers continue to just spread misery instead of cheer, I’m personally going to find their goddamn asses on Christmas and spank the ever living fuck out of them” stated Santa Claus. #cdc #autism #rfkj #christmascheer

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HHS Sec Claims Aluminum is Personally Out To Get Him WASHINGTON, DC - RFK Jr announced Tuesday that aluminum was personally out to get him, and has created a vast and complex conspiracy that involves autism, a top secret alien cabals, the Rothschilds, a...

Interestingly the Secretary made clear that Jeffrey Epstein is not involved; “I have spoken to Larry Summers often and he is one of the only people I trust on both dating and on the innocence of Jeffrey Epstein”.

#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr

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RFK Jr Holds Press Briefing: Clarifies He Currently Isn’t on Drugs, Not Getting Anyone in Room Pregnant WASHINGTON, DC - After bombshell leaks from the upcoming memoir by journalist and former “situationship” romantic partner to HHS Secretary RFK Jr.

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Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi