Splendid Hobo

i’m from a swing district and that means we sleep with all of our neighbors

If I were on Little House on the Prairie, I would simply invent the internet

(Loud enough for my date to hear while smelling limited edition Batman Old Spice deodorant) WHAT SCENT IS THIS, ORPHAN?

Any man should be able to pick his own dick out of a lineup

Trump: Inshallah…pretty sure I’m saying that right. We love inshallah. We’re bringing the inshallah back and then salam. Reminds me of salami but we can’t do the pork, can we Mamadan? I call him Mamadan, he loves it.

It’s too much trouble to explain myself. Just assume the worst

The football should give the players a little shock to defend itself

When I realized that I’m like the god of my gut microbiome, I started eating in mysterious ways

White people love a good pie chart

no pumpkins, especially Great ones, are safe

Charlie Brown’s eyes are both on the front of his head, implying that he is a predator

had to be high office, didn’t it? 😝

I imagine everyone I follow here being incrementally taller, wow, you’re a tall glass of water Milf_Likes_Dick

what a horrible, horrible night to not have Bagel Bites in my freezer. just horrible.

still hoping to find that perfect blend of blandly ambiguous and wildly aspirational in the same skeet

It’s the big odd shaped box that makes me crave

Waited all year for panettone season

I’m great at flirting but only with the Costco lady handing out probiotic samples and only for two lines

If a woman looks sad, tell her, "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

apparently my cat prefers the water at the bottom of the bowl so she just tips it over and drinks off the floor

Too many X accounts are bots. Delighted to be on Bluesky where you're all just figments of my imagination

You’re just clipping away the detritus of your better days when you cut your toenails

There’s more clothes to hang in winter so I’m getting out the second Peloton

I can turn a sure thing into humiliating failure lickety-split

ME: so what do you think of this cluster of big lakes

TONY THE TIGER: *deep breath*

You gotta stop giving me head starts, C

Honestly, most of my problems could be solved by a well-timed saxophone solo.

some toads are colorful like a rainbow lollipop just begging to be licked

please come over and watch me freak out while I eat spaghetti in a white tuxedo

We’re gonna need a bigger wheel of cheese