FieryFushichou

Lol, Wish! Nice try! You can't fool me! My allergies are in full swing already and you ain't gonna get here until summer. #allergictotheworld #yatoolate #igotmesomezyrtec #buynowgetnever #facemasksarefortheweak #whyyouteasingmelikethat #achoo #pollinationisabitch #fuckyounature

Like clockwork, dudes come hitting up my profile for V-day. You have 364 other days to do this. That's just lazy. #ValentinesIsComing #whyyallsolazy #WasteHisTime2025 #iwantchocolateyearroundyounoobs #myhashtagsarebettercompany

a man in a gray shirt is standing in the woods with the word travis on the bottom ALT: a man in a gray shirt is standing in the woods with the word travis on the bottom

Baby Yoda is cute and all, but have you tossed a coin to your witcher to see his Valley of Plenty?

#SorryNotSorry #TheWitcher #ValleyofPlenty #TossACoinToYourWitcher #ShutUpAndTakeMyMoney #ThrowingDollarsAtMyComputerScreenLike

a woman is smiling with the words mentally calculates the distance to the nearest airlock below her ALT: a woman is smiling with the words mentally calculates the distance to the nearest airlock below her

Airlocks: Where farts and burps go to die... and anyone inside.

Just know wherever you go, my heart will follow. Except into the sewers. Stop trying to find mutant gators, you weirdos. #🐊 #gator #unexpected #weirdos #sewergator #loveyourfriends #eventheweirdones #illdoanythingforlove #butiwontdothat

Since my neighbors allow their kids to make an inordinate amount of noise, I'm loudly introducing Star Trek: The Next Generation. Cue the trumpets reverbing the speakers for the intro, and suddenly, silence from above. I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR KIDS LEARNING ABOUT THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!

Cleavage: Where Crumbs Go To Die

In this essay, I will discuss the pros and cons of being a big titty biddie....

a man in a black turtleneck is holding a spoon and smiling while asking how you doin 't . ALT: a man in a black turtleneck is holding a spoon and smiling while asking how you doin 't .

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You would think #Superman would be the guy to see about lasering away unwanted body hair. I bet that's what's up with Lois. Free laser hair removal and long-distance transportation. Lois, i need an appt Saturday for my bikini line. Summer's coming, and i gotta be ready! #DCComics

Not sure if I'm asshole repellent or generally disliked, but my own mother blocked me on Twitter. Can't say I'm missing out on anything though.

When there is peace in your heart, peace will prevail all around you. When there's a piece at your heart, make sure your piece is pointed at his groin.

Give credit where credit is due, give hope where none has been given, bring light when it is dark, give care when there are injured, and horde lots of shotgun shells in case of zombie apocalypse.

It's not hard to be a good human. Just show compassion toward your fellow beings. And if you find this difficult, i can help. I'll smack you with a stick like a piñata and spill out your nougat-y goodness everywhere so you can see how good you are inside.

a man in a suit and tie is making a surprised face . ALT: a man in a suit and tie is making a surprised face .

Tifton, GA has a Christian billboard that has a cliff on it with a white Jesus superimposed on the empty area, stating, "Let go! I'll catch you!"

Me when I misinterpreted the message:

I like how you can easily confuse YouTube Red with RedTube. You know that was planned. Someone wanted to watch the world burn.

If you throw cheese at a problem, it usually rights itself.

I am certain I am supernatural because I have watched Moana more than is humanly possible. #sowhatcanisayexcept #yourewelcome #Disney

Pre-existing conditions: Exist. Woman. Not Republican. Not the 1%. Asthmatic.

Welp, I'm out.

#iamapreexistingcondition

I'm on patrón, tequila, I'm drunk off margaritas.

I'm lying. I ate potato samosas and am now reclining.

How to upgrade your card gameplay in CAH:
1) scream like a warrior when dropping a card
2) castration threats
3) win
4) follow through
5) profit

I used a cat as a shotgun today...Just in case my guest got unruly, there was a cat bunghole to remind them of their place in the hierarchy.

Well, it's looking like I won't have anything until next week. I should really consider looking into a gym....but pizza.....

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one." #browncoatsunite

Is there an award out there for somehow accidently turning a cucumber into a pickle from sitting in the fridge too long? Asking for a friend.

I have eaten *fat kid huff* so much chocolate *fat kid huff* but that's okay *fat kid huff* cuz i ate *fat kid huff* a salad *fat kid huff*.

This cat will not stop accosting me for my pizza. Go away, you fluffy bits of turmoil and judgement! #badkitty

Look at these! *gestures to boobies* Do you think these just grow on trees??

Growing up Catholic:
*twin bro pushes me down the stairs*
Him: "The Devil made me do it!"
Mum (to me): "You're grounded!"
#siblingrivalry

Twin bro: I've got the brains AND good-looks!

Me: *beats him savagely* Don't write checks your ass can't cash!

#siblingrivalry

Was told not to play with prop weapons or they'll take them.

Me: "Guess you'll have to take me then."

Guy says smoothly, "I'd like to."