Cap’n Watsisname

Giving up on love and donating my hoodies

Head of lettuce sounds like a big responsibility.

All I want for Christmas is a manwich and maybe eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

A diet where I can eat a lot of cheese

There are only 3 people I’d marry from this site and if you’re not one of them, please stop proposing.

I’m just saying they should sell advent calendars in packs of 24

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I'm gonna take a Bublé bath

WIFE: You mean a bubble bath, dear

ME: Uh...right

MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Enjoying the flavors of the season by sprinkling a couple of fistfuls of fresh pine needles over my oatmeal each morning.

Here’s something no politician will tell you: poo poo pee pee fart fart fart fart

the xenomorph in me wishes the xenomorph in you a happy holiday season

You can simply say a lobotomy is not a choice you would make rather than insult my decision.

If I wanted euphoria I'd vibrate at a higher frequency but clearly I'm sitting as still as possible thinking about the last time I was truly helping lighter worlds crowdsurf in a mosh pit

Through the power of mental gymnastics I'm experiencing hope up to 15 minutes a day.

I've invented a new kind of microwave that rotates your food at 300rpm and makes a deafening foghorn noise for no reason at all

Aah France. I love France. The Eiffel Tower, the Riviera, the vineyards, the fields of baguettes, the cigarette trees.

[watching someone leave my work parking lot just as I arrive] OH YOU LUCKY BASTARD

ME: please pass the salt, zebra

HER: it's debra

My wife has some friends over so I went into the bathroom to let out a loud fart and my son (from his room) yelled ‘Yessir!’

[leaving the clone store]

ME: thanks for the help I’ll see myself out

DOCTOR: can you show me where it hurts

ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*

DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both

ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place

GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no

The increasingly dampened timbre of the tragic road crew still dropping their bins despite the storm shall be our snow gauge.

A wrong number has been texting all day, refusing to believe I'm not who they think I am. They've sent photo after photo of items for which they expect an answer, regrettably revealing an address in the process.

I say regrettably, because now I'm obligated to mail them at least three random things.

insert a movie into another movie

Throw Mamma Mia From The Train

If I were ever to try love again, I'd demand to see how they treat people on Marketplace first.

It was rough work being a working rattlesnake actor in the 70s and 80s. Sure, you got a lot of gigs, but the directors always had the human actors slam the cloche back down over you with a certain lack of care.

I don't think I've been wearing enough lamé.

STILL COULD

I used to love chili cheese fries so much I thought I should become a truck driver.

I Fucked Up My Guitar While I Was Fucking Up My Heart

I compiled a list of my top 100 songs from this year. First 12 or so are in order then random. If you want. ☺️
open.spotify.com/playlist/5C4...