Cap’n Watsisname

Hey did you fall from heaven? Because you look like an angle *Winks with both eyes*

an onlyfans but it’s just me modeling and telling stories about my 750 pairs of flannel pajamas

You’re in her dms, I’m crashing my car into a fruit stand during a high speed chase

Which Pokémon do you reckon yields the tenderest meat

I used to eat what I want, drink constantly, never work out and still stay in great shape. And now that I'm older, I think 3 out of 4 ain't bad.

doug: I think we’re lost

me: make a u turn

dong: that was not helpful

first beaver to see moving water: this has got to be stopped!

string cheese but avocados

🎶 CUT MY WIFE IN TWO PIECES
MAGICIAN WIV A WISP

Don't ban smartphones for kids. Ban Monopoly.

this new dish wand is going to solve all my problems

(first day as a zookeeper)

boss: why haven’t you let anyone into the zoo?

me: because it’s mine now

There are a lot of people I think we should throw sandwiches at

I'll keep you guys posted

I am the single most boring person in the world but I have a rich inner life and sometimes I wear crocheted pants

We’ve had the GIF button for a while now but I’m still waiting for the Jif® button which automatically skeets peanut butter into my mouth

The percentage of people who just don't want to be best friends is so close to 100 you could hear two special little bracelets I made drop

Everything you're thinking about saying is in a language that you've studied and never spoken so just remember you are phonetics wrapped in a why do they not actually spell it that way to me

My plan to gain weight is not working out.

fishing the directions out of the trash cuz i forgot what comes next after “i put my hand upon your hip, when i dip, you dip…”

Paying my therapist extra if she can guess my darkest thoughts in a rousing game of charades

[my hair holding a tiny suitcase]: hey man i'm moving to your back

I watched a Winnie the Pooh movie last night and put my pants on last this morning

if you make eye contact with a cop next to you at a red light you have to race them. it’s the law

i'm not sure if i've ever been right back when i said brb but no one really knows if that's when the aliens abduct me

Andre 4000 has already been born it’s only a matter of time before he makes himself known

A real estate website for kaiju, we can call it GodZillow

attempting the dirty dancing lift with my cat but his upper body strength is just pathetic

(Shaking my head and left arm all about, sadly) that’s what it all about. 🫤

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you wor— worches—worcestershire