Cap’n Watsisname

Don't ban smartphones for kids. Ban Monopoly.

this new dish wand is going to solve all my problems

(first day as a zookeeper)

boss: why haven’t you let anyone into the zoo?

me: because it’s mine now

There are a lot of people I think we should throw sandwiches at

I'll keep you guys posted

I am the single most boring person in the world but I have a rich inner life and sometimes I wear crocheted pants

We’ve had the GIF button for a while now but I’m still waiting for the Jif® button which automatically skeets peanut butter into my mouth

The percentage of people who just don't want to be best friends is so close to 100 you could hear two special little bracelets I made drop

Everything you're thinking about saying is in a language that you've studied and never spoken so just remember you are phonetics wrapped in a why do they not actually spell it that way to me

My plan to gain weight is not working out.

fishing the directions out of the trash cuz i forgot what comes next after “i put my hand upon your hip, when i dip, you dip…”

Paying my therapist extra if she can guess my darkest thoughts in a rousing game of charades

[my hair holding a tiny suitcase]: hey man i'm moving to your back

I watched a Winnie the Pooh movie last night and put my pants on last this morning

if you make eye contact with a cop next to you at a red light you have to race them. it’s the law

i'm not sure if i've ever been right back when i said brb but no one really knows if that's when the aliens abduct me

Andre 4000 has already been born it’s only a matter of time before he makes himself known

A real estate website for kaiju, we can call it GodZillow

attempting the dirty dancing lift with my cat but his upper body strength is just pathetic

(Shaking my head and left arm all about, sadly) that’s what it all about. 🫤

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you wor— worches—worcestershire

I read the phrase "trauma dumping" as "trauma dumpling" and I was so ready to be a part of that strangers life.

caveman: ugg

caveman therapist: (nodding) ugg

caveman: *starts crying*

Me: *carefully explaining something*

Voice to text: yeah so anyway ham sandwich forklift betrayal

just got an Alexa notification that said I'm going to die in 3 days

I've been thinking about the time my elementary school hosted a "Pancake Day" lunch, and another kid called me stupid for not knowing it had to do with a religious holiday, so I asked him which religious holiday was the reason for Hot Dog Day.

Thinking of giving up completely, digging myself a sod-roofed shelter out of a rocky slope, and keeping a modest potato garden by the bog edge while trying to get in with the local minks and shrews. Perhaps finding a niche in the bog economy. Perhaps just apprenticing to become a marmot.

I like to imagine the dream people I left behind when I woke up, who probably just saw me vaporize, debating what they think may have happened to me and trying to decide which agency they should call.

HER: I can’t believe you pooped your pants

ME: it was an accident

HER: but they aren’t even the ones you’re wearing

ME [flirting]: the doctors don’t know that I’ve escaped