Richard Houghton

Even in a room full of the most extreme mercenaries, I’m the one they whisper about like, “that guy’s a little much.”

Opening a can of worms would be a huge win for a bird. Too bad their tiny feet can't operate a can opener.

I'm a mustache farmer, but the crops don't always last.

My dentist told me to brush more, so I switched to gravy toothpaste. Now I just put it on my chicken fried steak.

The only thing I want from the dark web is cream rinse. Conditioner is for chumps!

My only fans page is all about oscillating ones.

Forget pinwheels, even little kids know they're boring. Bubbles, on the other hand, are the most fun you can have with some soap and a circle.

The U.S. doesn't have a national nap mandate, but if you elect me, I promise to take naps every single day.

My Uncle Vic always said he wanted to be close to family. But the truth is, he just wanted a human shield.

I'm so tired, I'm already borrowing tired from tomorrow.

Imagine an app that whispers someone's tragic backstory to you as your shaking their hand. "Hi, I'm Richard. Sorry that your dad's drinking problem was because of that harpoon accident."

I totally bombed my essay on the Gettysburg Address. I wrote, "Abe's team scored 4 and I think the other team scored 7."

My license photo, taken during the pandemic, shows me with an extreme beard. Every person checking it out looks at me and says a version of, "Got rid of that COVID beard, huh?"

For me, basic home maintenance tasks are like punting from my own end zone with one foot tied behind my back.

Only goats can answer the question "Are you kidding?"

Gambling responsibly is like coating yourself with chum in shark infested waters responsibly.

Job hunting can be a lot like snipe hunting.

The director of the play lost all credibility with the crew when he asked them to bring down the drapes.

When the commando doubled down and went commando, chafing became the enemy.

Dueling inspires incredible Broadway shows, and most times I'd prefer a duel over a political debate.

One of my superpowers only works on the people directly in front of me at a concert. I can make them stand up. It works especially well if they are big.

The right amount of cologne is a delicate balance. That guy's just toppled him off the tightrope.

The old gray mare corrected my grammar. "It's "isn't" what she used to be. Dumbass!"

I eat too much salt to increase the chances of health problems for my predators.

Fried. Boiled. Poached. Scrambled. Those were a few of the ways your brain on drugs could be prepared in the 80s.

Look at all the crabgrass! And the weeds! Sixth Heaven has gone downhill! It's making Fifth Heaven look like Graceland!

Assassins are so gullible. They think they can just retire. Careful, assassin, that guy trying to sell you a walk-in tub has KGB written all over him.

In the fifties, if men weren't getting enough nitrates from breakfast they would go grab a smoke. And strike their match on asbestos.

I wonder how felt felt when I felt it.

I have to get to the post office before they close. I need to fix my fence!