Mark McGrath really fucked up the opportunity of a lifetime with sugar ray

"Im not getting cucked by John Stamos the first week of marriage" - my husband 💕

Me dealing with any problem from ages 21-27 #rhoslc

Do they make swaddles for adults ?

a cat sitting on a counter next to a roll of green tape ALT: a cat sitting on a counter next to a roll of green tape

My dad just told me hes impressed with how calm I am this close to my wedding, meanwhile this is what my fiancé saw this afternoon:

Me: sobbing and spiraling at 2 pm on a Tuesday

My fiancé: is it perchance your luteal phase

It indeed was

99% of family group chat discourse is just about snacks

We've reached the phase of wedding planning where I get violently high, watch old four weddings episodes, and judge them to decompress

My fiancé texted my mom and said "are you texting with my dude while were watching DWTS?"

Its me, MY DUDE

My fiancé just said 'you know how you have 10 votes, you should also get 10 anti-votes that take a vote away from someone"

DWTS let him cook!!!!

#dwts

More trains, less highways

This shit is so much better than driving

The phrase "Utah socialite" is such an oxymoron #rhoslc

Hey @chicagocta.bsky.social why are you not prepared for riot fest? Why did I wait for over an hour at the front of the platform only to never be able to get on a train at the California stop?

Jennifer Afflecks husband watching her compete in DWTS #dwts #slomw

Whoever is ripping ass on the purple line rn...count your days

Good looking out 🫡

"Im getting some ideas cheese wise"- my fiancé watching a magic bullet infomercial

a cat is giving a thumbs up and the word ok is behind it . ALT: a cat is giving a thumbs up and the word ok is behind it .

NPR: here's the news you need to start your day

*proceeds to tell me the most depressing shit*

Me:

I love watching old white men dance to something they find really groovy

(Im at a Black Keys concert)

"How come youre not sending any of the owls?"

"I got a connection for gold chains if that's important to you"

Lil yachty mom, Tyler the creator daughter

My moms mind cannot comprehend Tyler the Creator

"Have you ever heard of pearl harbor?"

Just heard a guy in dunkin say "as a man im not putting cream or sugar in my coffee"

So fellas I gotta ask l- is it gay to put cream and sugar in your coffee?

"I told people I bought the pure essence of sour on the internet"- @yoeybuckets.bsky.social

The suburbs of Chicago aren't real anymore theres a drive through fajita place?

Me delusional with a fever, haven't slept all night

My brain on repeat: "Mommy? Mamacita?"

#loveislandusa

Help my fiancé just said he looks like a wizard Guy Fieri

He said he looks like he could alacazam you to flavor town

"You ever seen Quentin Tarantino 's Romeo and Juliet"