Alaia Nakama (Avalon)

*hugs* Yeah, I feel you there.

Especially if you’ve been at the point of being emotionally exhausted with the kinds of tears you don’t want to cry for an insufferably long time—while the tears of joy you do yearn to cry still feel lost in the shadows of an unknown future that is simply hoped for.

Also a big bravo to conductor Jun Märkl, soprano Katrina Galka, tenor Marc Molomot, and baritone Troy Cook!

Front cover of Oregon Symphony’s program for Carmina Burana.

Photo of the stage at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, where members of the Oregon Symphony are preparing for the show.

A photo of me sitting while waiting for the show to start. I’m wearing a fancy short sleeved sequin dress I loved and bought several years back but hadn’t really found the right occasion to wear. Decided it was perfect for taking myself out for my 50th birthday.

Absolutely wonderful performance of Carmina Burana today by the Oregon Symphony, and PSU’s Chamber, Rose, and Thorn choirs. Also the parts sung by the Pacific Youth Choir.

Also happy 50th birthday to me! 🥳🎉 🎻🎶😌

Loneliness can suck, but it’s easier to love myself in solitude than keep exposing myself to intimacy that is always painful.

Trying for companionship involving sexual intimacy is pointless when my body still isn’t right for the intimacy I’ve always wanted.

Some days it’s hard loving myself alone

FYI, to those who have been wondering. I’m in a much better place mentally now, and am enjoying my path.

Have been mostly posting stuff on Facebook for the past little bit…

I hate that this where I’m at, I just want something that feels right and inspires hope. But I’ve been so lonely for so long. I feel broken.

I want to cry but I don’t even know where the tears are anymore.

I feel like the bad guy, which is stupid. I just want to be happy. But it’s also not stupid, I love her tremendously and yet I’m leaving for space and clarity.

So it's not uncommon for me to still throw up nude pics on Fet or possibly other places, knowing I will attract the very same kinds of chaser culture comments I'm complaining about.

Because I crave not just attention, but affection and affirmation for who I am.

But a funny thing about my reaction to this:
bsky.app/profile/alai...

I have found that I still crave attention, and interestingly the male gaze. Any time a gorgeous man tells me about the beautiful woman I am my heart just swoons, because for a moment, I feel like my soul is seen.

Fortunately, I'm having a major swing in cashflow for my budget. After 10 years I feel like I can now finally save up rather than just live paycheck to paycheck.

So here's hoping I finally finish this transition journey in the next 2-3 years.

And then I strive for my transition goals and get myself back on track again, because what else can I do?

My conservative family might think I could detrans, but they don't realize that's like asking me to go back to being a walking zombie devoid of all life.

I feel like I'm just really jaded towards dating and sex because of so many toxic interactions. Tack on the state of my body and I'm just like "I give up, what's the point, I'll just be celibate until achieve a level of normalcy, go insane, or die".

I mean, if you really want to get my attention because you're truly interested in me...

Why isn't it instead "Hey there, I want to love and support you on your transition goals, because I can see that is what you need the most for your happiness, and I would love to help you reach a place of true happiness."?

And when I feel like I catch even the slightest scent that someone prefers my body this way more so than they prefer my body to be configured the way that makes me happy--there are few things that could be a quicker turn off and cause of general distaste for wanting any kind of physical intimacy.

...nor experience what I truly want to feel. And as for those that do believe I'm a "proper partner" in my current state, most are just fetishizing my body rather than loving me for who I am. As if they truly loved me for who I am, they wouldn't prefer my body configured this way over what I want.

And it gets lonely for me too, because I tend to push people away rather than make another attempt at physical intimacy that I know is going to lead to me be triggered about the inadequacy of my body, and that I can't even be a proper partner for my lover...

The overall feeling that comes with all the times of never feeling fulfilled while trying to be intimate with someone I love just eats away at me inside--in that part of my soul that believes in and yearns for my happiness.

I've tried so hard to be there for partners in a sort of "service top" role. And I do have a level of enjoyment in pleasuring and pleasing others. But not being able to reach a place where my needs for physical intimacy can even possibly be fulfilled has been difficult.

Due to this, sometimes I feel closer to being ACE because I just don't want to deal with sex or situations where I may feel pressured into sex.

I just need to get my lower surgery. As I'm not going to be happy with the idea of being sexually intimate until things are right enough downstairs first.

Transdicament (n): When you're pre-op trans and horny AF, but just can't get excited for sex or any physical intimacy that might lead to sex because it's just gonna mean more painful frustration and unfulfillment, as well as triggering for your body dysphoria and depression.

The greatest roll model 💚

Just a selfie

Feeling good today 💖

Kind of relatable I suppose.

“…it will be evident that the hard reality of trying to be someone you aren’t has been at best supplanted by the hard reality of being alone except when you can muster the effort to fill the holes.”

Just a pic of me on this fifth day of Yule (Christmas Eve for others).

Happy holidays and may this season of light returning be one filled with happiness and joy 💖

You are all amazing, thank you for showing everyone what it means to show up for yourself. 💖

If there was ever a definition for an amazing spiritual warrior, it is in those that follow the truth in their inner compass, even in the face of loved ones who may judge us for who we are or the choices we make.

Much love to everyone that is feeling lonely and estranged from family and loved ones, especially at this time of year.

Black and white pic of me kicking it in a crop top and mini skirt.

So it’s Monochrome Monday you say?

And they all understand they are avatars of their true guardian deity, the player, the one who binds them all together…