Odeon of Death

Young John the Baptist (2025)

Little Harry Pickles stars as Johnny Baptist Junior in this religiopolitical farce. When John-Bap attempts to show Elon Musk (Rami Malek) and Donald Trump (Alec Baldwin) the error of their ways, they decapitate him and stick his head on a plate.

Phone Book (1966)

17-hour Andy Warhol short of Lou Reed meticulously leafing through the New York phone directory and passing catty remarks on every entry therein.

The Body Politic (1998)

It begins with a casual conversation about pro-life. But within days, former Hollywood liberal James Woods begins to transform into a gigantic anus. Girlfriend Geena Davis looks on helplessly, in David Cronenberg's classic horror.

Banter (1939)

How the repartee flies between off-on news reporters Cary Grant and Lauren Bacall in Howard Hawks' classic screwball comedy! Bacall's hilariously acid tongue has Grant deftly parrying her verbal blows, before locking himself in the office bog for a quick hate-wank.

Frangipane (2001)

The tale of a young French waitress who devotes her life to bringing happiness to others. Every single one of your boyfriends will hate this film; the first in a steady chain of micro-resentments that will ultimately cause your relationship to wither and die.

Howling 9: The Howlennials (2016)

When Alice turns into a werewolf for the first time, she tries to get her BFF Zach to take selfies of them both. But at 60 per cent through his own transformation, Zach totally forgets how to use a smartphone, and just stares at it like an idiot.

Werner Herzog's The Snowman (1982)

"We are not walking in the air but plunging towards terra firma like a parachutist who took the instructor's wife as a mistress. Little boy, here is your lesson in entropy: love gives life. But time destroys all. Your only friend is a puddle."

Werner Herzog's Love Actually (2003)

"These moronic individuals tremble like fawns in vicious mantraps of their own making, senselessly screaming into the unutterable void. It would be a mercy to shoot them in the head, yet one feels on some level they would actually enjoy it."

Back to the Future 20 (2019)

Marty McFly travels three-and-a-half hours into the future to skip the adverts, while watching an old episode of the Inbetweeners on All 4.

Cat People (1942)
Curse of the Cat People (1944)

Val Lewton's classic double sees Simone Simon's accursed fashion artist transform into Mrs Pickles. And fall instantly asleep for 16 hours. At 11pm she wakes up and has a mad old fucking runaround. Then goes back to sleep again.

Raise the Alarm (2005)

For many years, crusty skipper Dafydd Jones (Anthony Hopkins) has told of a long-lost Welsh new wave band, said to lie at the bottom of the Bristol Channel. Can shadowy American investors help dredge them from the sea bed? A post-punk nautical adventure.

The Dying of the Light (2009)

A chimp drives a dodgem into a swimming pool. Mrs Thatcher eats a puffin. A housewife watches two flies copulate on a table before swatting them at moment of climax with a rolled-up Telegraph. A profound study of media manipulation from Adam Curtis.

50 Suedes of Ray (1997)

Ray Winstone's criminal genius creates a clone army of Brett Andersons to carry out post office robberies, in this sci-fi thriller with the tagline: "He's all their daddies now."

Please Don't Sing Anymore (1947)

Googie Withers thinks she has the voice of a freshly hatched angel, yet to everyone else sounds like a cement mixer full of kazoos. Events kick off after she serenades a packed tram with a tone deaf La Vie En Rose, in this unlistenable melodrama.

Tarzan Pulls It Off (1935)

When Jane pops out to do some shopping with Cheetah, Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller) seizes the opportunity for a quiet wank. But he soon discovers there's nowhere to hide in the jungle.

Jesus Christ: Rastaman (1980)

A well-received retelling of the Gospels through the prism of Jamaican culture. Director Lloyd Campbell's follow-up, The Cowardly Lion of Judah, a roots reggae take on the Wizard of Oz, fared less well: Darcus Howe said he'd "rather be crucified" than watch it again.

Carry On in Midsommar (1969)

Hilarious hijinks ensue when the Carry On crew go on holiday to a Swedish pagan commune. While Sid gets his leg over with some naughty Nordics, Kenneth Williams gets his face sawn off, and Jim Dale is burned alive in a hollowed-out Bernard Bresslaw.

The Three Minimalists (1984)

Following the repetitive slapstick antics of Michael Nyman, Philip Glass and Steve Reich, as they pull one another's ears off and brain each other with frying pans, over and over again, with very slight variations.

Joy Division in Summer Holiday (1980)

Hooky, Bernie, Stevie and Ian pile into a customised double decker and head for the Unknown Pleasure Beach in this joyful youth musical. While Hooky has a punchup with a chip shop owner, Ian befriends a seaside donkey, and sings his Top 10 hit 'Shattered Mule.'

I, Daniel Dyer (2016)

"Bollocks! You can't make me work like a mug in a scrapyard with my dicky ticker, just cos I ain't got a Scooby how to fill out the DWP's forms. Now uphold my appeal before I kark it in a fucking bog, you cunt."

Hamble's Track Suit (1981)

Glenda Jackson plays the serial killer with a penchant for synthetic fabrics, in this thriller adapted from the chilling picture book by Ian McEwan.

Fingerings (1997)

Top flautist David Balthazar (Jeremy Irons) has surgery to replace his penis with a flute. But questions are asked when his mistress gives birth to a piccolo, in David Cronenberg's shattering drama of bourgeois alienation.

Oh yes, it’s Odeon of Death! Follow for inspired silliness, unspeakable horror, occasional cats…

L'option Végétarienne (1972)

After 17-year-old Lily Chapeau gives up meat, she's disowned by her family, banished from her Provençal village, and forced to relinquish her citizenship, leading to drugs, destitution and a lengthy prison sentence, in Claude Chabrol's cautionary drama.

Ringo (1969)

A grotesque watery apparition is haunting the nation's teens via accursed TV sets. Can anyone survive his reign of tentacled terror from a little hideaway beneath the waves? Tagline: "He'd let us in...knows where we've been...in his octopus's garden...in the shade."

Lager, Loot & Lads' Mags (1997)

Nick Moran and Damon Albarn pull off a brewery heist, in this refreshingly authentic working-class crime caper from Sebastian Edward Fitzalan-Knightly III, the 19th Earl of Rothermere.

The Dolls (1966)

Tom Courtenay, Sarah Miles and Beryl Reid star in this wooden supernatural thriller about a group of King's Road swingers turned into murderous ventriloquist dummies by an evil sorcerer. Spawned the single "Gottle of Gear" by Twiggy.

Phone Book (1966)

17-hour Andy Warhol short of Lou Reed meticulously leafing through the New York phone directory and passing catty remarks on every entry therein.

The Realistically Middle-Aged Indiana Jones Chronicles (1992)

Indy's back - but is his back up to it? Never mind rope-bridges, it's a trial just getting out of an armchair without muttering "oof!" "Ha ha, you always farting, Doctor Jones!" says Short Round.

Rhubarb Crumble (1975)

Mike Leigh drama in which sunny social worker Shirley Curtain joins her friend Digory for pudding in Islington. While Digory is largely unresponsive, letting his spoon rest in the mostly uneaten crumble, Shirley tries to chivvy him up with a jolly song about whales.