Davidly Roth 🎉

Nailed It! but for aspiring taxidermists

i was told social media was a waste of time on weekends and gdi i hate it when my mother is right

some of you have done very little to pump up the jam and it shows

i like big butts and sodium pentothal

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

the moby dick guy should have set more realistic goals for himself.

“i’m still punk” i whisper to myself as i turn down the music in my car so i can see better

if the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie you may be entitled to compensation

I point the gun at Gosling, then Reynolds.

"Neither of us is a clone!" Reynolds says.

"No shit, Gosling—no one said anything about clones!"

He confidently writes "9/11" on the whiteboard and pauses to glance around the pitch meeting. The suits lean in. He adds "S" to the end. Excited murmurs fill the room. He flashes a sly smile before performing the coup de grâce: changing the S into $. Everyone totally loses their shit.

i fucking love smashing buttons. what kind of button doesn't even matter at all. show me a button, and buddy, i'm gonna smash the shit out of it

i dont really like apples sigh i should have been a doctor

ily! 🥰🫶

I’d be much more into the Winter Olympics if the athletes were assigned their events randomly to add some relatable panicky cluelessness

And butts. Also butts

:important:

wow everybody and their
grandma is here! said the
cemetery groundskeeper

being a lifelong learner is so fucking hot, and also boobies

i’m a real gum shoe*

*mildly irritating and also I wear a deerstalker

yes yes truck nuts of course but where pray tell is the truck penis

goodnight you shit fucks (complimentary)

hard to believe we all knew mario was a plumber but we just let him practice medicine anyway, like "guy's definitely a doctor. it's fine. he's got a bag of pills." it was a different time.

you're in her dms.
i'm in her dms too. thank god we found each other. there's no way out. it's been 2 months and i've run out of food & fresh water.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Himalayan salt lamp?

gonna make coffee stirrer straw people of everyone in this meeting

who up cowering in a frozen outpost while their friends become monstrous facsimiles

sometimes I think about what I could accomplish if I actually got my shit together and then I yawn so big my jaw dislocates

creating chaos out of symmetry or so says ocd friend that lives in my head

imagine golfing with me

wrong, more weed

I want people to love me and also to stay the fuck away