Alexander Fox

Nature is healing. Britain is back. We are so goddamn back.

But Arsenal fans will still tell you Arteta is better.

We laugh at Stath Lets Flats for being hopeless but, two years ago, a real life lettings agent turned up to my viewing and said “Sorry, I’ve forgotten the keys”, then pointed up at the council block from the road and asked, “So, what do you reckon, yes or no?”

He didn’t like a series of comic misunderstandings

and I was Frasier and Niles Crane hosting a fucking elegant black-tie soirée.

I bet he does, the dirty old bollocks.

Sexy Channel 4 cancelling Frasier reruns

This is slightly disingenuous, because shortly before I did ring my Nanna (96).

what a loser

Ladies, ladies, please, one at a time!

the Labubourgeoisie

Probably should have spent more time looking for a wife and kids, not a Napoli 2001-02 black away kit with sky-blue piping.

No, YOU get a girlfriend!!

In a similar vein: when I was doing an improv show at the Fringe, my scene partner kept calling my character not “a ponce” but “a nonce”, thinking they meant the same thing. I’ll be honest, it didn’t help the vibe in the audience.

Literally the only thing this man cannot buy is to be funny.

I’m sure she’s a nice person, but I’d rather chew through my fucking fuse box than live like this.

This pub’s a bit measly with the tapas.

I’m writing a drama about a maverick detective, but the twist is that he has a really settled home life. Two cars at home. No mortgage. Four kids, all privately educated (until sixth form at least). Two holidays last year. Could have had an affair, but decided against. He’s absolutely crushing it.

Honest to God I thought this was Ed Miliband.

I need to spend less time in hospital, these posts are deranged.

Just got out of hospital.

I said, “Just one jab for me, Doctor. I’m driving...driving you out for a steak dinner!” Two nurses simultaneously swooned. Crowd went wild. The doc almost wet herself with glee. I high-fived a retired admiral and swung out the window on a chandelier.

Honestly, goosebumps

Wow, ok. We were all huge fans of his before, but surely this is too much.

😉

Wait, is this…treason?

All this Andrew talk suddenly reminds me that with my own two eyes I’ve seen a minor royal snort coke in a Mayfair nightclub toilet. But which royal was it, Chris Kamara?!

I feel weirdly strongly that Gyles Brandreth has got away with far too much for far too long.

I desperately need Toby Jones to make an ITV drama about the walk between the Piccadilly and Victoria lines in Green Park Station.

The Backwards Boys

Fuck That

Just remembered my mum’s on Bluesky ☠️

Moped whizzed past and the rider screamed “Fuck vinegar bro” so clearly I’m in Four Lions.

Just remembered my mum’s on Bluesky ☠️