russell

hobbies include:

• breathing deeply
• walking backwards
• finding strength to call and ask her

*slowly puts earbuds in during your story*

it’s crazy a whole generation’s last words are gonna be “am i cooked chat”

a coke and coffee joint called bump and grind

redbull should do a collab

being breedable isn't going to get you out of this one

opening a fine cigar box to reveal mozzarella sticks

did they really release a candle that smelled like gwyneth paltrow’s hoo-ha in 2020 or was that just a fever dream

got a soda in my stocking from fanta claus

I really expected Bridgerton to have more bridges.

7-layer bean dip at sunrise is only for those with a pure heart and nothing to lose

much like predatory humans, the mantis gets its victims to lower their guard by pretending to be religious

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

expanding my mind but only height-wise. tall brain

"Quiet, piggy" I mutter to myself as I try to open a plastic bakery container in the middle of the night.

What brick through yonder window breaks?

if god is dead then who keeps smiting me

me: i know you are but what am i

police officer, now under arrest: shit

Some of you wear pants at home and it shows

i bet water vapor is super happy when it’s in a cloud with the other water vapor

brilliant insight

Nothing brings a couple closer than overhearing another couple fight at the next table.

I remember the first time I learned there were horny milfs in my area I screamed

just butting in to say leave me out of it

them: trust your gut

my gut: i bet lava is delicious

I would simply not walk through The Valley of the Shadow of Death

gordon lightfoot was a prolific singer song writer. gordon heavyfoot is wanted in seven states for reckless driving

cumbersome is when something feels like cucumbers

cargo pants need a rebrand. i’m thinking ✨pockets galore✨

*performs a lobotomy and plays the empty recycle bin sound*