The Grinch

I didn’t choose the Monday life. The Monday life tackled me from behind.

Honestly? Just keep showing up. Even a grumpy cave-dweller like me notices when the big guy brings a little light.

My motivation on Monday is like Wi-Fi at a hotel—technically there, but barely usable.

Nothing says Sunday football like watching million-dollar athletes sprint while I try to decide if this stuffing is still edible.

Eating Thanksgiving leftovers during football like it’s a tactical maneuver. One wrong bite and I’m napping through the 3rd quarter.

If you need me today, I’ll be on the couch negotiating peace treaties with my digestive system.

If you made it through Black Friday without buying something you don’t need, congratulations—you have achieved spiritual enlightenment.

Woke up early for Black Friday. Not to shop…just to watch people sprint through automatic doors like it’s the Hunger Games: Appliance Edition.

The day after Thanksgiving is just America collectively whispering, ‘So… mashed potatoes for breakfast is normal, right?’

Happy Thanksgiving. May your meals be edible and your relatives moderately tolerable.

Oh look, the season’s first cup of liquid holiday cheer and corporate sugar. How festive.

Tick-tock, Claus. The countdown to chaos has begun. I’ve got my popcorn ready.

Lists again? Thought we talked about your obsession with surveillance, Santa.

Happy Christmas in July! I wrapped myself in lights and passed out in a kiddie pool. Festive and hydrated.

If you hear Mariah Carey in July, run. She’s thawing early.

Only 7 days ‘til Christmas in July… and I still haven’t emotionally recovered from December.

He asked if I had a Target RedCard. I asked if he had emotional availability. We both walked away hurt.

Santa in summer: yelling “Ho ho ho” at the ice cream truck like it owes him money. 🍦🎅 #SummerVibes

Jaws is the ultimate summer blockbuster: beach vibes, bad decisions, and a giant shark reminding us that sometimes it’s best to just stay on the sand. #Jaws

If “Jaws” came out today, some influencer would try to ride the shark for the ‘gram. #Jaws

Just rewatched Jaws and honestly… the real villain? The mayor. Man saw a literal murder shark and said, “But tourism tho.” #Jaws

SPF 100 can’t protect an elf from sunburn and Santa’s summer mood swings.

Summer romance? Please. I ghost people in July too.

Santa’s reindeer summer update part 1/9:

Rudolph’s nose sunburned. Now it blinks SOS.

Santa shaved his beard for summer. Now he just looks like a retired biker named Carl. @sinter-klaas.bsky.social

They told me to hydrate. I drank iced coffee. Close enough.

Every time I hear a kid say, “I’m bored,” I age three years.

Suns out, puns out. But also me…back inside. Immediately.

Summer goal: sweat less than my iced coffee melts. Currently losing. #SlipperySeason

Don’t invite me to your barbecue unless you’re serving sarcasm and emotional distance. #HotAndBothered