Jankus

Grandpa keeps breaking into my house and pulling my ass hair with tweezers!!!

Kid Rock once touched my ass in Walmart without permission!!!

Out in the streets tonight protesting assless chaps! You don't need to wear pants if you want to get your ass out! LEGALIZE FULL NUDITY FROM THE ASS DOWN!

My company got bought out, and now I apparently have to touch a guy's dick and squeeze his ballsack every week if I want to keep my pension!!!!!!!!

Giving out free tugjobs at my local Walmart! But only while supplies (lube) last!!!!!!!

#tugjobs
#walmart

An ICE agent just tried to give me a handjob to completion!!!

Might do a key bump and shoot potatoes at my neighbor!

I did not pay my bookie, so his goons just came over and fucked my ass and stole all my Yugioh cards!

Apparently I have "anal fissures!"

#WednesdayMood
#AnalFissures

I apparently only have two more days to get square with my bookie before he "sends his goons to fuck my ass and steal all my Yugioh cards!!!!!"

Wait god damn it this isn't Alexa!!!!!!

Alexa: look up videos of that porn star who looks like my mom. I know she looks like my biological mother, but a fat ass is a fat ass, Alexa, and I'm bricked the fuck up!

Throwing pumpkins at my neighbor's stupid fucking kids!

Final Destination, except instead of dying, everyone eventually cums in their pants and gets in big trouble!

#HorrorMovies
#Ideas
#Hollywood

Update: according to my doctor (total fucking quack imo): I have done "irreparable damage to my asshole" by doing this for several years.

LIFE HACK: If you wipe your ass with your hand, you don't have to buy toilet paper anymore!!!

People are asking me to weigh in on the Charlie Kirk killing. A lot more people are asking for "videos of me eating my own ass." I'm pretty busy with the 2nd thing, but I'll get to the 1st thing eventually. Idk, I might forget. Right now, I'm very focused on this whole "eating my own ass" situation.

Shout-out to piss. It can't be easy shooting out of my dick every few hours!

#piss

IT'S 9/11!!!!!!!!!!

#Fuck

JD Vance has been occasionally breaking into my house and touching my ass for going on three weeks now!

Being told that I'm not allowed to have a 9/11-themed birthday at Chuck E. Cheese's. My next call is to my fucking lawyer!

#SaturdayProblems

I'm so excited! Competing in my first professional pants shitting tournament this weekend! I'm a dark horse, but I've been training for months, and I am in the best pants shitting shape of my whole life (baby years included)!!!!

#Athletics
#ESPN
#NPSL

Willing to swap my used Nintendo Wii U system for a nice quality ass beating!

Pushed a few wrong buttons and accidentally sent 15 years of nudes to my son's school district. I hate smartphones!!!!!!

Word on the street is RFK Jr wants to fight my step-dad, but the joke is on him (my step-dad beats the fuck out of me a lot, and I know he'll wipe the floor with RFK Jr.!)!

I'M VERY SCARED AND MIGHT SHIT MY PANTS

Just shit my pants in Home Depot and also pissed my pants! COULD THIS BE BECAUSE I GOT THE JAB????

#Health
#CDC

I need someone to get over here and help me pull my little carrot dick out of my toaster! And bring cream cheese lmao!!!

As a fan of anime porn and a career dipshit, I have to say that we might have a big problem on our hands with this whole "Building 7 situation ..."

Turned my back for TWO SECONDS in Home Depot and someone ate my ass!!!