Jayland-Yutani

Therapist: do you ever engage in dangerous or reckless behaviors?

Me, lowering shades: you mean like going caseless with my phone and buying the most stolen model of car in my state?

At my age, the older I get, the uglier I'm willing to go out in public.

HOT TAKE BUT... (the most broadly accepted universal take)

Yeah yeah why don't you go make some more shitty AI videos for reels

[Putting on socks after 40] I've conquered my Everest

[On a date]

Me: *screams in the combined voices of every life form I’ve assimilated*

Her: wait are you a Thing?

If I say something happened "the other day" that can mean any time between 1990 and yesterday

Holiday shaped reeses taste better than regular reeses cups

The reason women's clothes don't have pockets is so we don't load them with rocks and walk into the sea

A one star review of pride and prejudice that says just a bunch of people going to each other's houses

The best one star book review I've seen today

People on Reddit: if you buy any car but a Toyota Camry or a Honda Accord you're an idiot who should die

everything really brings the worst out in me

The most boring person imaginable: HOT TAKE BUT...

inventing new ways to be insufferable

In many ways the United States is irreparably divided, but we did all come together and agree to stop talking about Napoleon Dynamite forever, and that gives me hope

Idk tbh

I grow weary of spooky season

The Arby's app talks to me when my phone is in my pocket like the Green Goblin mask

pod save america: you know a poorly drawn skull is actually a buddhist symbol in some parts of the world

Wow I managed to not think about the state of the world for almost 10 minutes

Remember that video where someone edited dozens of tiny clips of Obama together to have him sing the Pokemon song?

That's the internet we need back

*sees creepy figure in backyard security camera
*realizes it’s me

Jared Leto should method act as a guy who goes to therapy and is genuinely trying to change

Yeah I did a little cannibalism in college, everyone experiments

Therapist: do you ever engage in dangerous or reckless behaviors?

Me, lowering shades: you mean like going caseless with my phone and buying the most stolen model of car in my state?

Trigger warning for being a smarty pants

Hold on, I have to check this magazine I carry everywhere

It's okay WiFi connection, I'm unstable too.

Me: Alexa set the thermostat to 69

Alexa robotic voice: high five

Derailed another work meeting with my theories about how SeaQuest DSV and Farscape could be a shared universe