me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom
you: you DO have kids
me: WHAT
me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom
you: you DO have kids
me: WHAT
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
04.03.2026 20:05 — 👍 14 🔁 3 💬 1 📌 0
Text your husband "I know your secret" and he'll bring you so many presents!
You don't even need to know what the secret is!
high school prepared me for square dancing. a lot of fucking square dancing.
04.03.2026 16:52 — 👍 15 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0
i don’t mean to brag or anything, but someone just stopped me on the street to tell me how dehydrated i look.
still got it!
Museum Guide: So we keep all our best paintings here in this room
Me: *way too loud* HALL OF FRAME
Guide: *taking out tazer* Look away everybody
EAT A DICK, WEATHERMAN STEVE!!!
04.03.2026 02:12 — 👍 32 🔁 9 💬 1 📌 0follow. your. dreams.
04.03.2026 01:25 — 👍 2 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0
drugs won. the end.
-from my forthcoming book, “The War on Drugs: A Brief History”
and what time is brunch being served? -me to drill sergeant, 1st day of basic training
03.03.2026 17:17 — 👍 20 🔁 4 💬 1 📌 0
A pile of mannequin arms.
Police Raid Home of Suspected Arms Dealer
02.03.2026 13:41 — 👍 347 🔁 71 💬 20 📌 3
if dj kahled were a disney prince:
02.03.2026 18:56 — 👍 16 🔁 3 💬 0 📌 0
[at a spider wedding]
congratulations to the newlywebs
Gentlemen, it’s Women’s History Month, so maybe take the initiative and explain what that is.
02.03.2026 14:55 — 👍 380 🔁 97 💬 17 📌 6Who called it 3-in-1 body wash and not "lavage à trois"?
02.03.2026 14:58 — 👍 214 🔁 46 💬 4 📌 0
calm tf down 90s video game
02.03.2026 16:29 — 👍 122 🔁 21 💬 5 📌 2
i’m not so sure, fantasy for adults.
01.03.2026 19:41 — 👍 97 🔁 18 💬 3 📌 1
al dante? perfect!
01.03.2026 15:43 — 👍 81 🔁 18 💬 1 📌 1
me: how about a little nutmeg?
meg:
very first gulf war circa 1993
01.03.2026 02:25 — 👍 1 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0thank you. i try.
01.03.2026 02:24 — 👍 3 🔁 0 💬 2 📌 0
"Assemble the Board of Peace - I'm starting a war".
28.02.2026 08:28 — 👍 14571 🔁 3294 💬 419 📌 124
Therapy isn't enough.
I need to fight all 3 branches of government.
bro, come by. we’re gonna put each other out of our misery.
01.03.2026 02:06 — 👍 6 🔁 1 💬 1 📌 0
i feel like the illustration just creates more questions than it answers.
01.03.2026 01:51 — 👍 16 🔁 0 💬 0 📌 0The King is mad
28.02.2026 21:42 — 👍 5339 🔁 1102 💬 77 📌 28i know the world may end soon and everything. like for real. but why do baby carrots have to be so wet?
28.02.2026 23:51 — 👍 106 🔁 24 💬 5 📌 1set phasers to stunning. -gay trek
28.02.2026 16:12 — 👍 23 🔁 9 💬 5 📌 0i put the hot in psychotic.
28.02.2026 13:49 — 👍 64 🔁 22 💬 2 📌 1