Neil

Tonight must be the worst night to get an axe lodged in your head.

I just had a trick or treater dressed as my window cleaner.

Very convincing, he kept saying “You owe me for three weeks” and “I don’t want any fucking sweets”.

Hilarious!

- What have you come as?

- A Werewolf.

- But… they're your normal clothes.

- It's not a full moon.

I remember when my dad caught me smoking in the garden.

As a punishment he made me eat all twenty kippers.

A large percentage of Lancastrian drag acts have a Wigan address.

I often describe my friend as being sarky… but then he is a wry swine.

I just did the international sign for ‘Can I have the bill please?’ and the waiter brought me a stylophone.

Americans spell defence with an S, defense.

That’s undefencable.

Thank you x

I actually do own one, and the first thing I learnt was Telstar.

Early in his career the pop star Prince was a frog… obviously that was before Kiss.

I've just discovered there actually is a staircase behind our sofa.

All these years I've been laughing when my wife walked down it.

I just did the international sign for ‘Can I have the bill please?’ and the waiter brought me a stylophone.

I’m at the opticians.
Their eye chart’s so easy.

Yayy!

No matter how low I start the chorus of Take On Me, I’m always way too high by the end.

Did you mean a weakness relating to the job?

Our local chippy’s started serving their fish and chips in old magazines.

I’m eating them out of house and home.

The thing I hate the most about a full moon is when my house turns into a warehouse.

My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two. In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

I stitched over mine with a flap from somewhere. I’m sure it’ll look ok.

No, anaesthetic? The injections were horrid but I’m glad I had em.

Ooh, that’s a sore one!

Thank you x

Thank you.
I won’t lie… I quite like it.
I look like I’m trouble.

Sorry. I’ll be less clumsy when I give blood in future.

Thanks, June.
It’ll be fine I’m sure. X

I had some cancer removed from the side of my nose on Wednesday.

I’ve got a decent shiner now, takes me back to my rugby days.

Elvis hasn’t accepted my friend request on Facebook.

I bet it’s because I ain’t never caught a rabbit.

Crufts Final Boss.

I've just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet… it's ruggish.