The Pale Space Rider

put my fingerprints in someone’s house to frame them for murder

if a guy is ignoring the speed limit where kids play, throw me out in front of his car

defraud an insurance provider

cut iff my hand and pretend you served it in the chili you brought to the block party

fire me from a cannon over a state fair

put me in a wall and ask a contractor to redo the walls

weekend at bernies me or nothing

when i die, i want to donate my body to comedy bits

goodnight or as I like to say, good falling into an ephemeral death that daylight will inevitably steal from you

me: a bear is just an angry couch

park ranger: sir, get slowly off the bear

me: *snuggling in* no

hey babe this teriyaki sauce expired in (checks label) 2019 but were you keeping it for a specific purpose

they stole an hour from women

so she could do her make up before becoming a nazi?

“Hahaha, of course I’m not a witch,” I laugh, then sneeze and burst into a dozen bats.

all these people at this church wedding are wearing black and the groom is lying in a box and no one looks happy when i say “congratulations”

there are a lot of us. we’re just too depressed to leave the house

*living in 2026 with a cellphone*

good god, man. i want a president who does nothing at this point. like a golden retriever or a funny seal

*wondering how much gold and diamonds i will need to sell to fill my honda pilot a couple times over the next few years*

spouse: why are you mashing your food into blocks?

me: because of the doctor?

spouse: what?

me: he told me to eat 3 square meals a day

i think my “coworker” is training me wrong because i told him, “i’m here to steal his job.” i don’t even work here

kristi noem is the worst pokemon

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat]

…bunk coffins

[my wife doing stacked hands motion]

like…double decker

welcome to your thirties where you’ll now slowly realize that everyone you’ve ever loved, respected, or found engaging is actually terrible

*batman voice* do you have any cough drops

i grew horns under the blood moon probably nbd

I didn't come here to make friends. Unless, of course, you want to be my friend. In which case nothing would bring me greater joy

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

mom: what do want to do when you grow up?

willy wonka: open a candy factory-

mom: awe

willy wonka: to lure children-

mom: uhm

willy wonka: to their death

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?