The Pale Space Rider

i saw my priest at a strip club outside of town. it was kind of awkward, but i have to admit he was surprisingly flexible

So weird how hot dogs come in packages of ten and your dad tried to kiss me

posting about raccoons while 38,000 feet in the air. this is what my ancestors fought for.

date: so what kind of hobbies do you have

me: tbh, i mostly mind my own business

sorry. didn’t catch that. i am a feather on the wind

i didn’t say you weren’t stealing, just who says it’s art

i find disassociating for hours of the day very helpful

no one at this art museum appreciates my parkour

first beaver to see moving water: this has got to be stopped!

*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want

cop: know why I pulled you over?

me: *sliding off of elephant* zoo wants its elephant back?

cop: *nodding* the zoo wants its elephant back

(first day as a zookeeper)

boss: why haven’t you let anyone into the zoo?

me: because it’s mine now

enormous baby shoes for sale. could fit adult. in fact these might be adult shoes. definitely did not fit my baby

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: my pokemon are

I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Repeat after me: I am valid. I am loved. My terrible secret is safe. They'll never find out. My sinister ulterior motives remain unseen.

mom: *texting* hey, your voicemail is full

me: *checking my voicemail to find 95 voicemails from my mother saying “hey, tried to reach you. call me back.”*

*throws phone into the ocean*

psychic: please stop coming here

me: you already know i won't

date: you look nervous

me: *nervously* ha. i’m never nervous

date: you’re sweating

me: *just freaking out* that’s bravery moisture

well. it started a decade ago, if that is any clue

dentist: do you feel anything?

me: haven’t in years

let your neighbors know you aren’t friendly by cleaning out the back of your car with bleach in your driveway twice a month at 2:00 in the morning

can the priest be store bought or does it need to be farmer’s market organic?

not enough soup restaurants named brothels

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

i have a theory that when you’re born you are allotted a random, finite number of “awake” minutes for your entire life and when you use them up you die. this thought keeps me up at night which is highly counterproductive

like my mother always said, “stop talking about the best way to dispose of bodies. they don’t know you got the tism.”

i just found this show called “murder she wrote” about this old woman writing up alibis for the ungodly number of people she’s clearly killing in her small town

first time home owner question: i found a weird box in my basement. should it be chanting medieval chamber music and slightly glowing at night? is this my radon detector?

me: *to neighbor with a ladder* what are you going to do with it?

neighbor: ladder stuff

me: *gets jealous*