jonny toothpick

i don’t know, i thought alpha centauri would be a lot different from earth when i got here but it’s pretty much exactly the same

can we pass a new law that i get a million dollars, too

my favorite song has not been invented yet. i look forward to hearing it some day

there’s a secret room in the library where you can find copies of the fan man, zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, and fear of flying. only certain people are allowed in. i’m not one of them

it’s like i told you only the lonely can play

Touch grass you said

It will be fun you said

Sure I said what’s the worst that could happen

(severe allergic reaction and $200 fine)

i don’t believe in time, at least not at this time

flowers are sneaky dangerous creatures. beware the flowers

my neighbor just said they like my new fence so apparently the old adage is true

I miss my first ever social media friend, Tom from MySpace.

tiny white bunny looking at a black monitor and then looking directly at the camera

when every other person on social media saw the aurora borealis but you

5% of the people that saw the aurora borealis became “skytouched.” They no longer speak or blink, all of them journeyed into the forest. They are gathering scrap metal and constructing a big device. So it’s actually a good thing I didn’t see the northern lights

i miss coffee

And people who don’t understand the difference between tactics and tic tacs.

fucking magnets, how do they work?

I have decided to react to some surprising news or information

i don’t really care whether you think my chronic indifference is a character flaw

the love child of jeannie and major nelson is ready grant you 1 1/2 wishes

i don’t know who needs to know this but .000001 percent of a trillion dollars is a million dollars

when did all the grownups on tv get younger than me

Thank you to all the “suckers and losers” for your service. You aren’t suckers or losers to us. We appreciate your sacrifice.

You can dance if you want to.

waiting for my special friend who only comes out at night

You haven't been reposting me are you OK?

flag football except crashing into each other as hard as we can

never saw a group more adept at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory

i’ll be replacing my healthcare with the power of prayer

dry toast with a side of ennui, please

let’s do prom night except with old people

the sun is setting so early i think i just saw tomorrow’s sunset