vladchoc

one minute Dracula is old

the next he's young

Massive, glaring continuity errors in this movie

Boxers sometimes seem so confused and annoyed when the other fella punches them. What did you think was going to happen, champ? He's been talking about doing this for weeks. He's put his special punching gloves on for it.

The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

You get a little jaded at this job sometimes but when you see a grandma’s face light up the first time she learns about vertical farming… those moments stay with you.

trying to explain to an alien that you can make a stinky face when music is bad but it’s also normal to do so when it’s good

[making chit chat] when did your childhood end

Feels like I could be MORE mindful even FASTER if this meditation dude would quit pausing for six seconds between every sentence.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Skeletons shouldn't play each other as instruments

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

eating a powerful mushroom that grants me the strength to survive being bumped into by a turtle one time

A screenshot of the YouTube comments for 'Skipper Dan.' Amongst several depressing messages, the highlighted passage reads "That sentiment of regret and wanting to die is one I understand."

Hot tip: If you’re like me and find there are no depression support groups in your area you can simply visit the YouTube comments under Weird Al’s Weezer style parody ‘Skipper Dan.’

Well, well, well. Look who just walked in. If it isn't sad, sad bathroom mirror-man.

Miah breaks silence, slams meated stick industry.

Open your eyes, dude. The wizards who sell us curative potions are the same guys who debuffed us in the first place.

[writing in my journal by candlelight] Bought a box of Oops! All Berries cereal today, but they weren’t all berries. I fear I am no match for life’s challenges

*Gotta think of a harmless, absurd joke to break the tension. Come on, you can do this. Don't just sit back and watch this site turn into an angry political hellscape like the last one. Come on. Come on. You got this.*

This may be controversial, but octopuses should not be allowed to play sports where they can use all eight tentacles. If they’re gonna play tennis or baseball, they can only use one racket or bat

Was super depressed so I went to see Toxic Avenger. I am now slightly less depressed and the other guy in the theatre seemed to enjoy himself as well. Thank you, world.

I was pretty livid to see the label on my new suit that says "Dry Clean Only," because, to be honest, I'd been planning on wearing it.

*Casually mentions karate 7 times in my wedding vows*

BUSINESS TIP:
I've managed my company for over 35 years, and in that time I've learned that you only need to ask one question in a job interview to tell the difference between a good potential hire and the worst mistake of your life:

"Have you seen the clown that hides from bad job applicants?"

Growing up, I’d always assumed that the most difficult portions of my life would involve waving torches to fend off wolves.

The mos eisley cantina music is deceptively playful. It's actually quite scary in there

Do you think the Count from Sesame Street loves eternity because it means he never has to stop counting or does he hate eternity because it renders all numbers meaningless?

We all have that one friend who says "caw! caw!" and then snatches a hot dog off your plate and flies away

[shouted over club noise] I said frog & toad are friends

Worst part of wedding photography is reminding people that not every Charlie's Angel had a gun

NO. I don't want my "money back." I want "all of the other problems in my life that caused me to blow up over a coffee order to be solved.”

Way ahead of you, my man. I splurged on the 'neck pillow brushing against headphones' and 'elderly couple verbally revisit their relationship as they struggle to open muffin packaging' DLC and am usually NOT regretting it.