☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️

The guy who invented social media was probably like "ever notice how misery loves company? Anyway, I made an app for that now."

Have studios that make bad movies considered making good ones instead?

Grant me the serenity to continue my unacceptable behavior.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

they should change the spelling of the word “read” to “red” and change the spelling of the other word “read” to “reed” and then change the spelling of the word “reed” to “read” and also change the s

Okay, I'm changing the s into a v

they vhould change the vpelling of the word “read” to “red” and change the vpelling of the other word “read” to “reed” and then change the vpelling of the word “reed” to “read” and also change the v

You're vo welcome

Take that knee-jerk reaction and temper it into a dagger of indelible words, forever slipping between your ribs.

Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
I didn't ask
So fuck off, maybe

Growing up is realizing hormonal teenager problems don't go away when you grow up, but make a great foundation for general existential problems that exist as an adult.

"I can't remember: were things this bad when—"

No. No, they weren't

They were worse

If there was one word to describe me, it would be whatever the opposite of "hype" is.

Epyh

Maybe? That's backwards but close enough

It’s bad for your mental health to know stuff

i washed my hair and it smells so good does anyone else want some before i eat it all

Big boobs are nice. So are small boobs, medium boobs, perky boobs, and relaxed boobs. Boobs of any color are nice.
I believe in diversititty.

WOW

I can't believe you hate DEMOCRACY

should i put up my xmas decorations today ?
(1) yes its time
(b) no you’re jewish
(%) idc i don’t even follow you
(&) is this a poll? i hate polls

Existence is stupid, become one with the forest 🙃

Would you love me if I was the fragile crash of ice off a tree branch. If I was the crystalline shine of a landscape encapsulated? Would you love me if I was harsh and somehow lovely all at once? Would you love me during the melting? Would you love me after? When I was gone?

The elder forest god who gave me my powers and I saw you from across the ominous mist and liked your vibe

Not trying to be weird but, it doesn't

What is this? An Idocracy for ANTS

the crossbow has to be one of the most “hey give me a second here” weapons of all time

My favorite kind of connection with someone is one where I know your face but barely remember your name. Please don't ruin this relationship with uncessary mouth noises. I'll fill in the blanks, whoever you are. ♡

Last Chrismtas I gave you my tell-tale heart, the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears I'll bury you beneath the floorboards.

What dat sign do bb

Perhaps sexualizing every piece of media you consume is...a bad thing

We need to verb more nouns. Like “Sorry I can’t go to your party I’m baked beansing that night.” Or “I totally cunted my way through that job interview.”

Also things Robin says to Batman in my spicy Joker/Batman/Poison Ivy fanfiction