☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️

Less manic pixie dream girls, more eldritch abomination nightmare women.

Having a conversation with me may have a negative impact on your credit score

Swallowing a couple of dryer balls to soften up my insides.

My biggest weakness is actually my greatest strength, answering cliché job interview questions gives me mana. I will cast devastating spells because of this encounter.

homer simpson is giving a speech in front of an american flag and says " ill be deep in the cold " Alt: I'll be deep in the cold ground before I recognize Missourah! Simpsons did it!

It's time to go to bed grandpa

hotel california implies the existence of hotels named after the other 49 states

Time is a flat circle, and I’m a multidimensional being. This is why I’m beyond reproach. Anyway, sorry I’m late to your yelling law talking guy thing.

Emptiness is a rainy day, blocking out the sun and drowning the planet in never ending sorrow.

People like being called hot, but apparently don't like being called flammable.

Your pets have joined a class action suit against you for posting their photos without consent.

Once again I have succumbed to the horrible power of dance karate.

i shot the sheriff. all my homies hate the sheriff.

They asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said unapproachable, which apparently isn't a "career."

I’m here to shatter the illusions of me you built in your head and chew bubblegum, but the gum factory union is currently on strike.

I would like to become a shiny yet haunted artifact on a warm mantel

Society is an extremely attractive and problematic person, I can fix them.

Everyone at the funeral looked really disturbed when I yelled, “PUT ME IN, COACH!” as the casket was lowered into the ground.

The cats, usually 😋

You're only supposed to say thay to the dress, and cats don't wear clothes.

ME: And then the adventurers came to a scrabbling brook

HER: Don’t you mean babbling brook?

B₆R₁O₄O₄K₈: S₄C₄R₁A₁B₃B₃L₁I₁N₁G₅.

ME: No, but also nice.

B₆R₁O₄O₄K₈: S₄u₁b₃s₄c₄r₁i₁p₃t₁s₄ a₁d₂d₂ u₁p₃ t₄o₄ 6₉.

Talking shit about you with the babbling brook

omg I noticed you didn’t like my cat pic, why do you hate my cat you monster

I believe you mean meowster 😾

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, if it isn't the person who infected me with the repeating well a bunch of times disease.

how do scientists get these pictures of the milky way? hell of a selfie bro. what a flex.

I think they find them next to the Snickers and KitKats tbh

How do you kill that which was never alive?

Well, life finds a way

the odds of me killing a plastic plant are low but not impossible

Laughter is the best medicine and also why I'm not doctor.

Well that and all the wildly unethical experiments.

The use of figurative language will continue until morale improves, or the horrors of existence extinguish themselves like a self-loathing fire demon diving into a swimming pool.