☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️

I haven’t been the same since I walked in on my parents having sex.

Mom thought it was pretty amazing that I could walk while having sex, though.

I hate when I’m shitting on liberals and some rando conservative pops up in the comments all excited because they think I’m one of them. Like, oh HELL no, you can get tf outta here even faster Chadley

But without centrists, how will we know the truth is somewhere in the middle?

Won't someone think of the fencesitters?!

I like my drinks like I like my feelings, strong enough to remember, but sweet enough to forget.

Ernest Goes Insane

Remember what they say kids

40% of the time, AI is right 100% of the time.

Also, please disregard any double negative

Thank you for your attention to this matter

three skeets in a row without a banger is a poster's strikeout

All my (well 90%) skeets are bangers, it isn't my fault that nobody else recognizes it.

Is this Mastodon I’m hearing about just another song about Travis Kelce’s junk?

we say "everyone is unique" but you know deep down that you put everyone into a little box in your head and one of those boxes is dumb motherfuckers.

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall, and that's why they call me the masonry whisperer.

That again

Every song makes me think of her. A distorted whisper of good times that never actually existed. A false promise, a transaction marred by dishonesty and contempt. I'll be a good boy and pretend not to do it again.

I'm not your savior.

It isn't a real flashlight unless it’s burning on a pyre, otherwise it's a sparkling cock sleave.

It’s bigotry to hate those inflatable flappy arm guys from outside car dealerships

I do what I can

I definitely will not

One day I'll find out the secret to immortality

People come into your life for a reason, and sometimes that reason is very stupid.

I am angry at so much. One more thing will not break me. It will only make me smell angrier, I think. A little bit like Jovan Musk.

I just got my doctorate in Roman numerals after MD days

What a great time to be alive for fans of existential fear and continuous rage

oedipus: do u have to keep saying that

samuel l jackson: saying what

I’m too much of a skeptic to believe in astrology.

It’s the Capricorn in me.

pregnant lady: my water broke

me: maybe it should get a job

Excuse me while I slip into something more less.

The people who say AI is alive really just want to insert their "hard drive" into the "motherboard."

What would you do without me? 🤪

Anyway, did you know there's a separate emoji for boy and girl zombies? 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️