☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️

I was at an awards show once, and some dude slapped me so hard I was transported to the reverse dimension (Bel-Air reverse of prince fresh the became I how that's and)

Nobody is talking about the dead elephant in the room Thomas Edison murdered. Mostly because they're too busy being pedantic about my language choice.

occasional reminder that the only people who would want to protect wealthy rapist pedophiles are wealthy rapist pedophiles

The existence of Minneapolis suggests the existence of a much larger Maxiapolis.

Sorry I verbally assaulted you when I was flirting.

It isn't even the right day :(

HASHTAG TIDDYTUESDAY IS MOSTLY PICTURES OF DUDES EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE

The person who named a woodpecker was horny, obviously, because they wanted someone to kiss their erect penis.

a woman with a surprised look on her face is standing in front of a brick wall that says gasp Alt: a woman with a surprised look on her face is standing in front of a brick wall that says gasp

The black sheep doesn't have any wool though, BTW. The lady from The Clash At Demonhead used it for her coat.

That's exactly what I thought 😋

Anyway, I noticed that lately, a lot of lambs that were around you have been silenced. That's pretty weird. What's that all about?

I find the best way to handle people is wrapped up in a fajita and covered in hot sauce.

Don't forget to wash it down with a soylent green shake

two sets of hips float near the entrance to a bridge, one cannot tell the truth and the other ululates mesmerizingly like Shakira

Ululate is such a good word, I think because every other letters is a vowel

me: a bitter world is possible

friend: you mean better

*secretly replacing all their credit cards with slices of ham*

me: no

you can’t have your cake and eat it too unless you have a time machine and a willingness to contravene the laws of space and time

I NEED YOUR DRAMA. I EAT YOUR DRAMA. FIBER RICH, VERY FILLING. MORE. MOR-

Went to the eye doctor today and he said I have two.

ARE YOU EVEN LIVING, LAUGHING OR LOVING, BRO?

At a funeral saying deadass instead of amen

“Modern art.” Give me a break, my 6 year old could make a two-ton steel balloon animal.

my desire to want to know what bologna sounds like is only outweighed by my desire to not want to ruin my record player

My third eye may be blind, but my fourth eye can taste the future. Wearing glasses not only corrected my vision, but they unlocked the path of enlightenment for me. I'm basically Buddha with spectacles.

One of my favorite things to do is the very bare minimum

It's 69° right now, nice change of pace from a few days ago when it was still 85 or so at night

Nice because 69 and nice because of the other thing and a secret third thing too

I guess you guys don't realize I was semi-popular on Twitter back on the day. That's fine, though.

the long kiss goo night

Smooch the ooze

uncontrollable flatulence is all gas, no brakes