Dolores Umbrage, US Secretary of Education

Lucky you…GP yelling hour at our house is 1 AM!

Under the upcoming administration, nonsensical and time-consuming trifles such as DOJ background checks will be discontinued. Who cares about one’s past when the future is wide open?

Hi God , very glad to see you here. Let’s go , satire!

Attention everyone! The instruction and practice of made-for-TV wrestling is now mandatory in all K-12 schools. Students who refuse to participate will write “WWE is not fake” 100 times.

I have recently learned that teaching cursive writing is now mandatory in schools, but many teachers disagree. I ask you, how will future generations read ancient texts with instructions for the destruction of humankind without being able to read cursive?

Attention, everyone! This is your formal notification that education is going to be very different going forward. Strict enforcement of rules is necessary to maintain order. Consistency in discipline is key.