Don Chicks-Hottie

stock image of a man covering his mouth with both his hands looking happy and shocked

was telling my shrink some gossip today and she gave me one of these so obviously I can die happy now.

Yes I know

like if you just need the pics for a few years, fine. but if you’re printing photos for a journal hoping to enjoy the memories 10+ years down the line you will be SOL.

amidst the rising popularity of thermal printers (✨”iNkLeSs TeChNoLoGy”✨), literally nothing makes me madder than all the companies selling them as perfect for journaling, or note-taking during study without disclosing that the printouts aren’t PERMANENT.

screenshot of the cast of Godspell frolicking in the Bethesda Fountain.

me: mum can we get F•R•I•E•N•D•S?

mum: we have F•R•I•E•N•D•S at home

F•R•I•E•N•D•S at home:

I read one book about the real story of the Great Escape and now Audible thinks I’m a boomer dad with a WWII special interest 😩

all along I’ve been like “leave the young people alone! we millennials have suffered too much at the hands of older generations to now judge those younger than us!” but them deciding that 6-7 is peak comedy when the much funnier 69 is only two numbers away may break me.

Cotton On Body? uh okay, grass on ground. clouds in sky.

when someone posts in the community FB page like “found these keys at the plaza, DM me if they’re yours” instead of just handing them in to Lost and Found and moving on with their life, and you just know they don’t get to experience any other form of power or control in their everyday life.

he’s a 10 but he pronounces Uno “you-no”.

me:

husband: Carrie from Sex and the City would love that place.

<< cut to talking head >>

Phil: now Richard, don’t look the wrong way at any Westies *humorous wide-eyed blinking to camera, crew laughing out of frame*

Phil Rosenthal voice over: I don’t think anyone could be angry after tasting this porchetta focaccia so I’m taking my leftovers to Cronulla Beach, home of the 2005 Cronulla race riots…

I gotta be honest, there’s little I trust less than the applause of Venice and Cannes audiences. you don’t have to tell me how many minutes a film got when you’re pitching it to me, that’s worth less than nothing.

meme screenshot of the Breakfast Club showing the character Brian with text reading “you’re so conceited, Claire. You’re so conceited” but Claire has been scribbled out and replaced with ‘Steve’

when my phone autocorrects ‘apple’ to ‘Apple’.

I keep getting my eczema steroid cream in my eyes coz I have dryness around them and contrary to what you might assume, it’s not giving me jacked eyeballs.

hairdresser: do you like eating Asian food?

dude: aw I’m not much of an Asian food eater to be honest

god save me from this guy next to me at the hairdresser who calls women “females” and says it’s harder for men to find love because fEmALeS are materialistic and don’t know how to handle peace when they find it because of the chaos in their past.

Update: she got fit during COVID. worth it!

me, waiting for my turn at the hairdresser:

woman getting her hair done next to me: …in a weird way, COVID was a good thing…

me: 👀

IG post from Kristen Bell showing Dax Shepard hugging a child with the caption ‘happy 12th wedding anniversary to the man who once said to me: “I would never kill you. A lot of men have killed their wives at a certain point. Even though I’m heavily incentivized to kill you, I never would.”’

I think women need to get better at recognising which anecdotes about their husbands, while very funny in-jokes within the confines of the marriage where you both know each other very well, trust each other and know the tone they used etc., make them seem psychotic when viewed in a public forum.

something I think about a lot is David Arquette in Muppets From Space teasing the rats for not having opposable thumbs. I also like to lord my opposable thumbs over animals.

Screenshot of Amazon listing for Folkmanis Barn Owl finger puppet with disclaimer text reading “does not stand alone”

because I stand with him. #istandwithbarnowl

funny story, this morning I was talking to a friendleague and mentioned I was interested in an exercise trampoline and she was like “every time I get on a trampoline now I’m like ‘oh god my pelvic floor!’”

is this the craziest instance of ‘my phone listens to my conversations’ ever or…?

screenshot of Amazon showing suggestion to buy an exercise trampoline and a packet of toilet paper together.

hey Amazon….what?

the most addictive substance known to man is someone sliding into your DMs like “I don’t want to start shit with your friends on main, but their comments are insane and you are on the objectively correct side of this issue.”

what’s great about Is It Cake on Netflix is whenever I’m reminded of its existence I think “man I miss Nailed It”.

me:

husband: *to the tune of Pretty Women from Sweeney Todd* Little Britain 🎶

me, alone in the house: up yours, woke moralists! we’ll see who cancels who!!