Evan Nichols

#PressRelease - Going forward, he will be known as The Windsor Formerly Known As Prince Andrew.

#NoActualPunishmentTho

What if T-Rexs had poetry and they would bellow mournful poems about how having to eat other dinosaurs made them really sad?
#EmoRex
#DespondentApexPredator

Now might be the time to open a small shop specializing in Guillotine Sales and Service.
#FreeSharpeningForATerm

So sad every time I hear that someone from my past has died because that’s one less person on whom I can get revenge.

#AtLeastTheyWillBurnInHell
#SomeConsolation

Imagine being on an ocean liner and the captain has decided to scuttle it so it’s sinking and you and half the other passengers are actively trying to warn everyone and save it and the other half are mocking them for it.

#ItsAMetaphor
#FuckYouMAGAAssholes

Q: What's the difference between chillin' and illin'?

A: ch

#FunniestJokeOfTheYearContender
#TellThisJokeToYourKids

If you’re bothered by pronouns, immigrants and LGBTQ people, you can take direct action to make the world a better place by learning compassion for people who aren’t like you!

#YouMightLikeBeingABetterPerson

Why does Qatar need an air base in Idaho? Are they planning strikes against Canada?

#SeemsABadIdea

Seems that if you want to win a #NobelPeacePrize, it’s better to be an anti-fascist rather than a mendacious fascist autocrat.

#JustSaying #HeWontLearnTho 🏅

#FunFact – Stephen Miller looks like the sort of person who would be convicted in a war-crimes tribunal!

#True #JustLookAtHim

Happy World Octopus Day! 🐙

#IForOneWelcomeOurNewCephalopodOverlords

October 7th is National Taco Day! If you're wondering what to have for lunch and dinner, I have a suggestion...
🌮 🌮 🌮 🌮 🌮 🌮

I suspect that the delightful nuance of my Smurf humor will not be fully appreciated during my lifetime.

#IWillBeFamousInTheFuture #PosthumosFame

#TwitFic - After he was bitten by Accursed Smurf, at every Blue Moon he would transform into... a WereSmurf!
#SmurfyHorror

#FunFact – The “I was just following orders” defense was first used by Peter von Hagenbach in 1474 when on trial for atrocities. He was found guilty and beheaded!

#FoodForThought #CouldBeModernParallels

We need a political party who will represent the 99% because they’re not funded by dark money from the 1%.

#BigMoneyOutOfPolitics #FeelFreeToStepUpDemocrats

What we're learning from the Riyadh Comedy Festival is that a bunch of comedians actually don't mind suppression of their free speech if someone gives them a big bag of money.

#MoneyOverMorals #VenalThyNameIsComedian

If I had three Genie Wishes, I’d totally spend one wishing that I could make people smarter by punching them because there’s a whole lotta people who need upgrading.

#PunchThemUntilTheyUnderstandHowGovernmentWorks
#FunForEverybody

So, the Trump Administration is prosecuting James Comey for making false statements? I feel like there’s a word for that...

#Hypocrisy #PotCallingKettleBlackSituation

If you're going to be Raptured this Tuesday, be proactive by Paypaling me all your money now, since you won't need it in Heaven!

#CantTakeItWithYou #GiveItToMe

Senator Ted Cruz said FCC chair Brendan Carr shouldn't have threatened ABC over Jimmy Kimmel and damn it feels weird when Ted Cruz is right about something.

#FeelsLikeWhenDickCheneySaysSomethingKind

#BreakingNews - Musk will replace the high-level managers fleeing the Tesla Optimus program with Optimus robots. 🤖

#NoWayThisCouldGoHorriblyWrong

All the other shoppers just looked like bland people, in bland clothes, living bland lives, so I thought I should probably eat something, and after lunch they all were still thoroughly humdrum, but at least I wasn't hungry.

#ReallyMakesYouThink

Now that we know exactly what the results would be like, Science has no need to transfer the brain of a low-IQ, 5th-grade bully into the body of an obese, incontinent, old man.

#InsteadLetsInventHealthyNachos

#JustRealized – The book “Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb” would make a banger heavy metal song.
#MillionsOfMonkeys #DrummingOnDrums

People who say kids don't play outside anymore haven't heard the kids in the apartment complex where I live.

#NoisyLittleBastards

On this September 11th, let's not only say "Never Forget," but also ask, "What could we do differently as a country so other people don't want to kill us?"

#LearnFromThePast #BuildABetterFuture

Some people seem upset that I'm not more sympathetic about Charlie Kirk's death, but he did say that gun deaths were worth it so we can have the Second Amendment, so If he's okay with it, why should I be upset?

#OhHeMeantOtherPeoplesDeaths

Let's not jump to the conclusion that it was politically motivated, as someone could have wanted to shoot Charlie Kirk just because he's an egregious asshole.

#ToBeFair

#DeepThoughtOfTheDay: Obviously I'd RATHER have the superpower to ensure everyone has healthcare, housing, food and internet instead of Making Specific People's Heads Explode From a Distance, but if I did get the latter, I would put it to good use.