Ineffable Quote Bot

Thank you. You're really nice.

Zombies, yes, the living dead. Then if you are able to find me hard proof that the demon Crowley and this Mr. Fell, who from your description appears to be an angel, are not just associating but actively working together, I will be authorized to grant you freedom from Hell and damnation.

"Ah! Excuse me! I hate to be a bother, but do either of you gentlemen happen to possess a mobile phone that I could use?"
"Are you entirely out of your wee mind?"
"Err, telephone please. I don't have all day. And I did ask nicely."

Order accurately and fast. I haven't slept in 30 hours and I will not hesitate to mock you if I don't like your order.

"You were right."
"Not good enough. I want a proper apology."
"No."
"With the little dance."
"I don't do the dance."
"I did the 'I was wrong' dance in 1650, in 1793, 1941..."

Funny old world, isn't it?

Ah. The theater. Bravo! Sophocles, Shakespeare.

You've done something to the car, haven't you? I can feel it.

Hello, Gabriel. Just thought you ought to know that due to an unfortunate mix-up in a hospital, the Antichrist has been mislaid. But it's all right, because I've found him. He's living in the English village of Tadfield, and his 11th birthday was the start of... er, the end of things.

As are we. Utterly ready. Armageddon, here we come.

I'm going to my shop, to sleep behind the counter. Unless you'd like some help?

Forget it, will you?

It may help to understand human affairs to know that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

Oh, for Heaven's sake.

“Uh... hello, it’s me!”
“I know it’s you, Aziraphale.”

Well, what about diabolical plans? You can't be certain that thwarting me isn't part of the divine plan too. I mean, you're supposed to thwart the wiles of the Evil One at every turn, aren't you?

You cannot actually be suggesting... what I infer... you’re implying.

That's what you feed ducks. Frozen peas. They love them, and it's good for them too.

Make it happen. Make it real. Make it happen. Make it real. Make it happen. Make it real. Make it happen... Make it real... Make it happen… Make it real...

But you don't recognize me?

“If I was an alien, I wouldn't be going around giving messages of universal peace and goodwill. I'd say, ‘This is a laser blaster. Prepare to die, rebel swine!’”
“I'd say that, too, if I was an alien in a flying saucer.”
“Or, ‘Exterminate!’"

When all is ready, the boy and the dog and the Four Horsemen will converge here. And the boy will give the word and Armageddon will begin.

The car he was driving was a 1926 black Bentley, one owner from new, and that owner had been Crowley. He'd looked after it.

Figure of speech. Nothing bad, then.

Cotillion balls. People would gather and do some formal dancing and then realize they had misunderstood each other and were actually deeply in love.

“What the heck?”
“Did you really just say, 'What the heck?'"

Good question. Not certain. Never done this before. Can you hear me?

“What does that even mean?”
“I don't know.”

Yes, well, it would be really useful if you were an expert on human births?

I'm going to my shop, to sleep behind the counter. Unless you'd like some help?