Alyssa Gonzalez

Every time someone learns the etymology of "galaxy" they're awed anew at the breast-focusedness of the human race and I'm just here like,

listen,

the word comes from ancient Greece. We are LUCKY milk is the fluid they latched onto for this one.

I describe the act of peeling the bark off a tree with a wood planer as preparation for eating that entire tree and this man begs me to perform that act on his genitals. It's amazing.

www.patreon.com/posts/ill-ea...

Sunlight in Green | Alyssa Gonzalez Get more from Alyssa Gonzalez on Patreon

I can think of better uses for a gorgeous June morning than a lingerie photoshoot on my balcony, but this is the one I picked. Enjoy :)

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To Borrow an Unseen Nursery: Phronima | Alyssa Gonzalez Get more from Alyssa Gonzalez on Patreon

The barrel shrimp has quite the secret when it comes to parenting. Inquire within.

www.patreon.com/posts/to-bor...

Interested in my thoughts on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine? I'm in this fine book of essays by ATBPublishing.com :D Pre-order yours today!

Maintaining the Wet | Alyssa Gonzalez Get more from Alyssa Gonzalez on Patreon

What am I wearing under my lab coat during this session of aquarium maintenance? I bet you'd like to see.

www.patreon.com/posts/mainta...

Indeed I am :)

It is, yes.

They told Pete Hegseth not to try to run Doom on his Tesla-issue brainchip, so he ran War Thunder instead.

I hope whichever necromancer intern resurrected RFK Jr. in 2008 knows that the new chapter on just how wrongly a person can come back is being written because of them specifically.

One day, we will find the haunted doll abattoir that disgorged JD Vance, and we will make sure there is no second body available for his soul to claim.

We Talk About Mono-Poly Relationships All Wrong | Alyssa Gonzalez Get more from Alyssa Gonzalez on Patreon

We talk about mono-poly relationships all wrong, in ways that fly in the face of how we talk about nonmonogamy elsewhere.

www.patreon.com/posts/we-tal...

I reviewed the current Conservative Party of Canada platform. Here are the most awful bits quoted directly out of it. The character limit here is too low for my tastes, so head on over to www.facebook.com/fishlyssa/po...

Every time someone describes something as "meant" for/to something, there should be one question at the top of your mind:

Meant by whom?

A medieval wine merchant from Vienna, aghast: "So my profession AND my demonym?"

"Yes, both of them."

"Because of sausage?"

"Yes."

You Don't Want to Live in Miami | Alyssa Gonzalez Get more from Alyssa Gonzalez on Patreon

You don't want to live in Miami. Take it from me.

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Winter Heat | Alyssa Gonzalez Get more from Alyssa Gonzalez on Patreon

I wear red bikinis sometimes.

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Optimus Prime is a truck that turns into a giant red, white, and blue robot with a gun, a habit of heroically sacrificing himself and resurrecting, and a catchphrase about freedom.

He is the most American thing imaginable that isn't a bald eagle who sprouts beefy arms after eating cheeseburgers.

Excellent out-of-context line from fish hobby groups:
"You can order assassins on eBay for a reasonable price."

As I pour my Rochester-brand Scottish root ginger into my ginger and sorrel tea and contemplate stirring in some powdered ginger, and remember the multiple boxes of Celebration-brand chocolate gingerbread cookies I inhaled this week, I get to thinking...

I sure do like cilantro.

How Far the Light Reaches: A Review | Alyssa Gonzalez Get more from Alyssa Gonzalez on Patreon

"How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures" by Sabrina Imbler. I had thoughts.

www.patreon.com/posts/how-fa...

Jordan Peterson is the physical manifestation of Ben Shapiro attempting to sext.

In our cyberpunk future, "child evangelism" refers to a religion centered on making gel from orphans named Evan.

The Mutton of Our Salvation | Alyssa Gonzalez Get more from Alyssa Gonzalez on Patreon

In which a man speaks to me of lambs, and I oblige him most confusingly.

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The funniest thing that could happen in relation to current events is Timothee Chalemet transitioning tomorrow, and then ten years from now, Tiffanee Chalemet tells us that she did in that United Health CEO as Timothee's last hurrah.

The Larva Is What Time Sees • The Perfumed Void

Beetles and butterflies can be spectacular, but they are not the whole story, and seeing the bigger picture shows us something about time.

the-orbit.net/alyssa/2024/...

Neurodiversity And Non-Monogamy feat. Alyssa Gonzalez The Poly (Pod)Cast · Episode

The Poly Podcast interviewed me :) Enjoy wherever you enjoy your podcasts.

open.spotify.com/episode/0Yrd...

Just got today's scam caller to call me a "cock-suck" and claim "I fucked your wife nine times." He then hung up on me in a huff when I responded, "Hot! I'll have to ask her about it."

"It's the darnedest thing. I punched him and his entire body exploded into Tysons-brand frozen chicken nuggets."
- stories from a better world.

It is disgraceful that I didn't wake up to news of Mike Tyson cleanly decapitating whichever Paul brother that was in a single punch.