Venus

fuck a smart fridge. i want a smart bathtub. i want it to be able to keep the water at the same temperature the entire time

woke up from that and fell back asleep and i guess kept the universe bc my entire family was in a bunker and one of the kids was infected so i pushed him away from me with explosions from my hands. my family shunned me after

my sister wanted to be a performer, so i bought her an abandoned circus. but then a zombie apocalypse came. we escaped into a cave where there was a drag queen flying around and singing high school musical songs

i stopped a lighting storm with witchcraft by using harry potter merch left to me by my grandma and tiktok dance moves

i’m sick. here are (some of) my wack ass fever dreams i’ve been having. 🧵

off handedly mentioned to my boss that i go to sleep early and i just go straight to bed after a closing shift.

i suddenly have shifts that end about an hour before we close now instead 🥹

that’s so considerate i’ve never had a boss do something like that for me 😭

wrong twice. she confused freddie mercury with freddy krueger, who’s the killer in nightmare on elm street 😭😭😭

went to the dentist. x-ray lady told me i had such a small mouth she had to whip out the kids xray machine.

doctor told me my jaw is small when he told me to open my mouth as much as i could

nurse asked me if i had botox. i said no. he said “oh so you just have naturally tight lips”

😀😀😀❓❓❓

playing a movie guessing game with the in laws

me: “my words are Freddie Mercury”

my wife, with unfounded confidence: “FRIDAY THE 13TH!!”

be cautious, stay safe.

rest in peace pluto. i’ll never have a fish as sassy and you where :(

the last week for me 🥴

•family news involving adultery, generational trauma, divorce, and multiple breakups
•the electi*n in general
•$400 charge for pump supplies needed to be paid asap that i didnt know about
•police investigation involving a nonprofit in part of
•my fish dying out of nowhere

at a party my younger friends threw, i watched one of my friends get drunk for the first time and he was bein all adorable with his wife n shit and i said that “he’s like a puppy”

he flushed red so fast and started stuttering and everyone started laughing. his wife had to explain to me what i did🫠

at a gay club with my friends, i loudly told my friend he needed to “stretch that btch out”

he and many others whipped their heads around to look at me with a shocked face and i was very confused as to why.

i was referring to his back. his back hurt. i was telling him to stretch his back out.

🕸️ace moments🕸️

“no you tell her right now.” *gestures to walkie*

“…. the walkies are only to be used for time restricted tasks. but i’ll let her know when she comes up here”

“let her know now.”

*slowly reaches for my walkie* “they said they’re very upset and came from canada for them.”

manager: “….okay???”

“do you have any more pb cups in the back?”

*repeats question over the walkie*

manager on walkie: “no we are all out of stock on those.”

*relays back to customers*

“you tell her we are very upset. we came all the way from Canada for those pb cups.”

“i’m sorry ab that. i’ll let her know.”

lady tried to use her card. machine asks for pin. she stares at me. i stare back. then she says “i don’t know my pin”

me: “do you have another form of payment?”

“no.”

“well if it’s asking for a pin, there’s nothing i can do on my end to skip it.”

“you need to talk to a manger about this.”

got my wife flowers for sweetest day and she has been bringing them with her to every room she goes in. she has not let them out of her sight.

in conclusion, i mistook a sushi roll for a single sushi piece. i wanted about 6 pieces of sushi. we had sushi for lunch for most of the week

honestly tho it’s so cute that she didn’t say anything besides “okay sure” when i asked for an absurd amount of sushi. 🥹🥰💕 love her

“um… babe? why aren’t you sitting down to eat?”

“wdym those are yours”

“huh?? why would you make so many for me?”

“you asked for 6 rolls, so i’m making you 6 rolls wdym”

“….. but this is 3x as many?”

“…..”

“yw. i’m working on the next one now”

(me, assuming it was for her) “kk!”

*hands me the second plate with another whole roll*

(me, assuming she just made more for me so i could have more later) “aw ty babe!”

……

*places a third roll next to the second and gets up to make more*

thinking about the time my wife made me sushi for the first time and we had some miscommunication

wife: “how many do you want? you want one or…?”

me: “i mean… at least 6…”

“…you want 6 rolls?”

“yes pls”

“okay”

*plates and hands me the first roll*

“ty babe this looks so good!”

old old OLD lady came thru my line during a rush and told me she makes cakes as a side business.

“yk what i specialize in?”

me: “what?”

“🍆 cakes! especially with 💦 squirting out! 🥰 i’m old but i still have fun! 😉”

me: 😀😀😀😀

m🇺🇸g🦅 man complaining about the self checkouts and that im the only cashier atm while pointing at me : “no one wants to work anymore! what tf is this about!!!”

old man behind him in line with HEAVY russian accent: “you talk to her like that again, i will lay your ass out.”