Jace

Leather working exists at the intersection of skin care and necromancy

wore a different jacket this morning and, wouldn't you know, i found my lost sword in the left pocket

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline

Women want me. Fish fear me. Fish want me. Women fear me. Women are fish, fish are fish. Phylogenetically, all vertebrates are fish.

A trade with the Devil.

Still from the movie The Fifth Element showing the Diva Plavalaguna performing on stage with her arms extended

this was about the coolest shit ever

I am pretty tired of the way all my hard work making fun little Internet posts keeps putting power into the hands of dickholes.

Did you know you can bake almost anything in a rectangular dish in the oven and call it a casserole? No inspector comes by with a checklist or asking to see your recipe or anything

Me: Did you pass my compliments to the chef?

Waiter: I did

Me: What did he say?

Waiter: He said he thinks you look cute too

tried to make a butthole joke but it came off too cheeky

As I get older and I remember all of the people I lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

Still from one of the Grey Poupon "excuse me do you have any grey poupon" commercials showing two hands from fancy cars passing a jar of said mustard between them

this was as close to memes as we had back in the day

This day in history. 1852. French educator Louis Braille died in Paris. I know he invented something but I can't remember what it is or what it's called you know, I can't quite put my finger on it.

An array of Kirby figures of various sizes, copy ability and sizes. There are also Coco, Rick and Waddle Dee figures.

Know folks were talking about them a little while back, but can confirm those Kirbys you can get for a fiver are great. But watch out

THEM: i could not be more annoyed

ME: [opening my bagpipe case] we’ll see about that

walking into a crowded bathroom and loudly stating “long time no pee”

MAN-VAPES™, THE VAPES FOR MEN (now in beef jerky)

Bad responses to "I love you":
- And I appreciate you
- Finally it's time to show you the shrine I built around your hair and nail clippings
- You fool. You silly little fool
- Not you too
- Lol good luck with that
- I am not drunk enough for this
- Heh heh heh HEH HEH HEH YES. YESS YESSSSS!

I don't make resolutions, ever since I discovered the two perfect ones years ago:

1. Become a more terrifying version of yourself.

2. Do what you already do, but more so.

If only we’d planned better, “ninja” would have at least one silent letter.

The cure for writer's block is on here somewhere. Just gotta keep scrolling until I find it.

You cannot misgender me. I will simply become the gender you have given me too #fae

instead of gunpoint i would like to be held at ikea, i say to my kidnapper

Who called it a cub and not the bear minimum?

My wife suggested we get a joint Amazon account so I said 'we can be partners in Prime' lol and then my son called the cops.