maimonides nutz

If I wanted this kind of silent drama I’d go talk to my mom’s family sheesh

My printer and computer are feuding all of a sudden. My computer is like “I don’t know her” and my printer is like “I ran a diagnostic test and everything is great 😊”

Omg tell me why I just had to look up the time of an event that was happening at MY house??

This one fellow right outside my kitchen window has come to serve as a constant symbol of my mortality. It reminds me that I’m one careless reach into a cupboard from certain death

I’ve come to feel really bad when I kill a spider so I just refuse to, but I’ve got to admit that some of them are so big that they really test my adherence to pacifism

me: I can’t do it today. don’t want to do it. how can I possibly do it???
person: do what exactly?
me: ???????

Annnd it’s time to log out for the day 👍

6:39 may be a new record

I’ll be walking any given neighborhood and suddenly the smell just hits me. It lights up my nose. For one second, the world seemed renewed

Everything is grim but it is nice that all the jasmine in town seemed to say “March 1st…hmm? 👀”

I will check it out!!

I would have even preferred a simple “I’m sorry that sucks 🙁” then having to do be polite when turning down the picture. Anyways I brutally mocked him instead.

And this is beautiful soup!! I hope you enjoy!! 😊

You make some good points

Hahahah OMG

Yes please 👀

Do NOT offer me a picture of your 🍆 when I say I’ve been bedridden with exhaustion all day. I WILL make fun of you. WHERE’S MY SOUP??

I understand that the only men who want to interact with me only want to do it casually, but my best friend is a southern Jew who offers anyone, even women when he was dating, soup when they’re sick, so my standards in this area are ridiculously high.

Might as well be. Too exhausted to assess surroundings 😴

People overseas love their kids just as much as you love yours. Your kids aren’t more special just because they were born on US soil

I am lump

The story I’m NOT telling is like 100 times more awkward 😳

She’s truly living her best life 🥲

More power to ‘em I say

This is tame compared to her other poems, I don’t think I can even put those stories on the Internet 💀

What do you MEAN my grandfather may have been responsible for my grandmother’s death?? And you and your sister just kind of…make art about it???

I’m very proud of my mom for getting into poetry and completing an MFA after she retired, but it has led to some of my biggest “wtf” moments that involve her

It’s funny that we call them “flies” when I’ve never seen a creature worse at flying???

She asked if it was alright and I asked if it was an llm, she said yes and I said no thank you

I think my therapist’s notes on me would break it and then we’d all be free

Ah yes, I remember that now from D.A.R.E.

I sure do!! There’s the peanut, the walnut, the hazelnut, the pecan (although it doesn’t have “nut” in its name), the coconut (although I don’t think it’s technically a nut, the almond….