Max Abraxas

Another omlette so perfect it made the angels cry.

#omlette #breakfast #toddlerfood #sorryangels

Skilled chefs will go their whole careers without cooking an omelette as perfect as the ones I make for my two-year-old to throw to the floor.

This kind of thinking is why you don’t have any gold.

You take what you can get!

Best thing about fatherhood is the endless supply of cold French fries.

ME WITH EXTREMELY DAD-JOKE VOICE: Yes I’ll have an order of the panda meat with a side of fried rice :D

PANDA EXPRESS SERVER (WHISPERING): Yo, we can hook you up but this shit is expensive and it’s mostly snouts and buttholes.

Covered in leeches, laughing my ass off, telling everyone how healthy I am.

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Looks like an old article but I’m pretty sure the functionality is still there. I did the same on Twitter.

Sending thoughts and prayers 🙏

It’s “Jonkler”.

Only HE can judge me! 👉📐

This billboard facing my apartment is insanely bright.

And sometimes some tape 😎

I use velcro 😎

"Even as I stand here" he bellowed, "crippled, hobbled, sickened - I am a
greater ruler than any man who ever lived! Now watch me become what I can
become !”

I’ll do as I please

That’s very advanced at 3.

This probably happens 100x for every 1 that says something.

The orbs arent for you, old man!

I like ‘em. Keep up the good work!

NFL needs go all neon.

Send in your resume in case they mean it as in like, an argument.

Drinking raw milk is fine as long as you balance your humors and do the occasional blood letting.

Ya me too.

Those aren’t snowflakes, baby.

But you didn’t have to do any laundry, ya?

I need a doctor that will write me a note that says I’m allowed to have at least 4 beers every night.

It’s too complicated. I like my Christmas times to be simple and wonderful.

Kazoo duet you mean?