Jesse Ventura Rants

I’ve spent the last 30 years preparing my mind, body, and spirit to ward off the spirit of Vince McMahon. He hasn’t passed over, but I’m always preparing for the inevitable.

I just finished watching a compelling documentary. There were two animals living in one house. A cat and the other a mouse. The cat kept letting the mouse get away but acting like he was tricked. That reminds me of our government. Except Federal Tom won’t let Citizen Jerry experience true freedom.

Don’t challenge me, Pal. I’ve eaten meals bigger than you. I used to make sandwiches Scooby-Doo style and consume them in a single bite before every Wrestling match. I’d frighten the onlookers as they watched my mouth extend to the floor and consume it whole.

No politician in the world scares me, but I know what scares them. Knowledge. Which is my other middle name when I am not also “The Body”. Jesse “Knowledge” Ventura knows what you don’t want him to know and sees the shadows moving in the dark.

No one is going to tell you this, so here it is straight from my mouth. The biggest expense in politics in Minnesota was popcorn. Every single day my campaign went through three tons of popcorn and somehow four tons of butter.

I’m not afraid of a Labubu doll, I was there for the invasion of the Loyal Monchhichi doll

You used to be able to get an entire meal for a dollar. This country has fallen so far to corporate greed and corruption that now my dollar won’t even buy me a spit in the mouth.

I know when to call it quits. I have been on the outside of that ring, I have rung that bell. We have become too proud to say enough is enough. You have to get up from that toilet, son.

I am accustomed to acts of violence. I have put many a men in a precarious position between life and death. But I would never make a man buy a cell phone, not on his life.

Don’t talk to me about strength of character, don’t you ever talk to me about strength. I’ve lifted men twice the size of the average kodiak bear. I have grappled on the mat of humanity and found my true potential. I took that lesson with me to become the 38th governor of minnesota.

Nobody asked me for an ID when they let me into the service. I was 19 years old and not one person asked me to identify myself. So who gives you the right to ask me to prove my humanity to you dictionary dot com

I’ve watched enough young, durable men in their sleep to know when they’re dreaming about running.

when i was governor of minnesota we never ran out of bees

Stop asking me to reset my email. i have had the same email account since it was personally gifted to me by a former colleague in the service. WrestleBuds1969 is my home on the world wide web

These powerlines can’t fool me anymore I have seen them stop in the middle of nowhere. Where does the power go at the end of the line? Our government doesn’t want me to ask these questions because they know I won’t keep it quiet.

the moon men lobbyist in washington dc haven’t been able to convince the public that there isn’t cheese on the moon. i say we take a trip up there for ourselves and find out

No one understands there is a shadow government keeping so much from its people. I just bought a new red microwave and they didn’t even include an instruction manual. Tell me again you hold faith in government ready and willing to let you burn popcorn.

it’s my understanding that when LBJ began his war in vietnam he was being directed to do so by john fogerty. you might know him better as the lead singer of creedance clear water revival. john knew that a war in vietnam would help sell records to helicopter pilots and the rest is our dirty history

you know when i spent 2 years with the people of the appalachia i learned a thing or two about how to make good quality moonshine. much better than the stuff they put in alcohol these days to make you forget about your childhood