The Horseless Wonder

In the clouds we will meet, in the urinals of heaven, in a dream without shores…

I regret that as an alienated youth I became interested in art and music. I realize now that I should have become a political extremist

I always loved that Kissinger quote about Nixon where he was like, “Can you imagine what this man could have been had somebody loved him?”

I regularly ask myself variations of this question about random historical figures. For example, what would Gandhi have been like if someone had molested him?

The Velvet Underground is often considered one of the most influential bands of the 20th century. According to Brian Eno, “Only 30,000 people bought their first album, but all of them decided to start shooting heroin and fucking trans hookers.”

It’s great that you care! I bet God has the biggest erection right now

in the plastic atmosphere, since they’ll misremember who they were anyway, before they filled water balloons with piss in praise of me and popped them in repurposed churches

And I want to be defecated, and urinated, and I want going to the bathroom to be a kind of communion, and a kind of confession, and a kind of prayer, and everyone to masturbate as much as possible

I want humanity to be eating my meat for the rest of their existence, and inhaling pure helium instead of air, making the little people of the before-times sound like James Earl Jones. I want them all to worship the great balloon god.

I want to be inflated. I want to be blown up to the size of the moon and then popped and I want my testicles to fall back to Earth, creating craters the size of countries. I want Los Angeles in one nostril of mine and New York in the other.

Mother Nature should get a hysterectomy

Imagine how terrible it would be if you were only aroused by your own flaccid penis

The second you become erect you start crying and vomiting and screaming in disgust, waiting for it go back down. Then the vicious cycle starts again

and everyone masturbates and laughs, telling me how they want to shit in my mouth. I hate how every day is New Years now. I was just starting to enjoy 2025 yesterday morning. A week from now it will be 2033. In a couple years I’ll have totally disintegrated

Waking up naked, bound and gagged and spread-eagle in the windowshopper’s brothel I feel like a painted steak, I feel like a molested porkchop in my prostituteish makeup, my piggy ass being wiped by an old woman with sandpaper until I bleed while she says “what a sensitive ham you are”

I’m racist against actors, but Olivia Williams is very beautiful. She should have been an economist, or a professional cosplayer, or a socialite like Ghislaine Maxwell

This 85-year old woman I was dating had a glass eye and one time she removed it, revealing a tight, slick passage through which I could see straight into her brain. She said, “You can come inside it, it can’t get pregnant anymore.”

The quacking of a quadriplegic duck

GODDAMNIT

Cancer let my mother off so easy

I can’t get over the things my mother did to me and I don’t think I ever will. What really kills me is I know there’s some guy out there who would love to have had his ass forcefully wiped into his teenage years. I’m so ungrateful!

Just because Santa is on the Epstein list doesn’t mean you should drug his milk with GHB to “get revenge”. You’re better than that

I send my condolences to people whose mothers are still alive

As much as I like Casablanca Moon by Slapp Happy, I could never get past the line “He can’t count all the continents he’s crossed”. There really aren’t that many of them

Twerking to Tears in Heaven

Is gay marriage still illegal in Heaven? Man, that place is totally backwards

Why hasn’t God gotten married yet?

“Now I’m wearing a speedo
And cruising at the mall
You might say it’s micro
But I don’t care at all
Cause I can tell what’s going on
It’s big to be small”

In countless interviews for years afterward, he would drunkenly sing Big to be Small, claiming that it “had the makings of another smash hit”

sending Lewis into a spiral of suicidal despair that culminated in him running for president and cutting off his own penis

After the success of his single “Hip to be Square”, Huey Lewis wrote dozens of songs in the same format, including “Dumb to be Smart” and “Straight to be Gay”. Many of these were to be included on his planned double album “4.8 Inches Is Actually the Global Average”, which was rejected by his label,

Me and my grandmother share a toilet. We have the same schedule, so I get the left side, she gets the right side, and we go together. She thinks 9/11 was an inside job

and I had a beautiful method for getting him into the elevator, which no one will understand now

But that was before my brain was full of newspaper