Chad Read

The winning family on America’s Funniest Home Videos always look like they just came from a Sear’s Portrait Studio.

Get those goddamn black jelly beans out of my face you weirdo.

The game Operation…except it’s me using my fingers to grab a piece of food that fell underneath the hot stovetop grates.

I just figured out the timer on my coffee maker...so if anyone wants to come over for coffee at 11pm next Thursday, I’ll see you then.

Souvenirs are like "here, please remember my vacation that I took without you"

- On your CV it says that your wife helps you with everything.
- Is that what she wrote?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Random Reply Guys.

Whatever snack my kid doesn't finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she's got a Golden Corral style buffet.

I bought the cheap catfood and my cat gave me the ''I'm not sad, I'm disappointed'' look

Clearly you can’t trust a Tesla when it comes to pulling out.

I feel like we don’t talk enough about how underrated the feeling of wearing a new pair of socks is.

Who up Benedicting their eggs.

as far back as i can remember i always wanted to be a disaster

I don't know which insurance company to use. They're all so funny.

when I’m on my deathbed I hope all the cats of my life come visit me like angels

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her birthday and I have to say I’m 50% proud, 30% amused, and 100% terrified.

•speed dating•

I’d smell your farts.

Looking forward to the ultimate weighted blanket, six feet of dirt piled on top of me.

Sorry I said your boyfriend looks like Baron Harkonnen. It was childish & wrong. He's floating right behind me, isn't he?

This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

Printed instructions for microwaving a potato with encircled bullet point, “Potato may whistle in microwave.”

for the potato fears not death

Fitbit is still counting the steps of my downward spiral.

Accidentally put a folded up fitted sheet into my wife’s underwear drawer.

[at the club]

Her: Do you come here often?

Me (wearing a white sequin glove): It’s been a while

Gather together everyone, I want to take a quick picture so we can remember this very special Applebee’s dinner.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids and realized that I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

Buy your bitch some flowers you insensitive piece of shit