Andrew Searles

I wrote something for the first time in about a year. You should go read it!

Unfortunately I am now on the hunt for paid work.

I’m a writer, journalist, critic, and more, having worked on sites like Sports Illustrated, Newsweek, and ESPN, primarily on video game content.

If you have a position or need help with guides, reviews, news, etc, please get in touch 💜

I’m legit putting off giving this game a go until this gets added

The wait until April just for more details is rough. June release date?

You in Perth still or over east these days?

I’ve been online for only a few minutes a day for about a month now. It’s been a nice mental detox, but hey I have returned to barely post at all :)

Have I missed anything (excluding news that goes beyond Bluesky/X) exciting?

A Pokemon advent calendar box.

Shortly before December began, my partner came across this cheap, obviously unofficial Pokemon advent calendar. She bought it for me in the hopes that the Pokemon inside would be some truly awful abominations.

It did not disappoint.

If you’ll indulge me, in rough order of horror - a thread. 🧵

If you scrolled through this far, thank you! I hope you enjoyed the results of the cursed adventure I went on for 24 days this month. It’s exactly the disaster I was hoping for upon receiving it. I had fun.

Poliwag figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Poliwag

My favourite though, has to go to Poliwag. The beast eyes. The red uhhh nose? Mouth? The wrong colour tail. The plastic imperfections. The weird smear on his side. And of course, simply no attempt at the swirl on the body.

Absolutely awful on every level.

Mr Mime figurine, front

Mr Mime figurine, back

Pokemon Go screenshot of Mr Mime

My runner-up award goes to Mr Mime, which feels appropriate. The colours are all sorts of wrong, his face looks like a Ditto, and when leaning just looks like he’s taking a leak against a wall. Nightmare fuel, no notes.

Tyrunt figurine - sitting

Tyrunt figurine - side

Pokemon Go screenshot of Tyrunt

Brown plastic must have also been a no-go, because Tyrunt is rocking an all-black look. At least the model isn’t terrible, even if his head is too heavy to make him stand upright.

Sableye figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Sableye

Now we’re at the cream of the crop.

Perhaps the most questionable of the bunch is Sableye. Sort of. I dont get this one. They clearly had purple plastic - they used it on Haunter. So why on earth is this thing blue? I have questions.

Pachirisu figurine - front

Pachirisu figurine - side

Pokemon Go screenshot of Pachirisu

This is Pachirisu…or it’s meant to be. The simplified place and lack of blue colouring really makes it barely recognisable. Bad.

Gothorita figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Gothorita

Gothorita is a disaster. The lack of white colouring, and a sticker for a face that barely sits on the head. Very bad.

Pansage figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Pansage

It’s clear by this point they only had one shade of green plastic. And multiple colours are just too hard. Pansage is done dirty here. Just look those eyes. He needs help.

Bellossom figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Bellossom

Why is there pink here? Also no yellow. And no attempt at a face. Bellossom deserved better.

Absolutely figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Absol

This Absol figure is half a centimetre thick, making a really weird flat face that looks like it’s sitting way too low. Also no colouring on the pointy bits.

Ignite figurine - front

Ignite figurine - back

Pokemon Go screenshot of Pignite - front

Pokemon Go screenshot of Pignite - front

Pignite’s face is ok, but I can’t forgive the lack of detail - his wrestling-style overalls are missing lots of colour on the front, and are completely absent on the back. The bright orange butt ain’t it.

Articuno figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Articuno.

Pokemon Go screenshot of Articuno (shiny)

Speaking of eyes, I think Articuno takes the win for worst eyes. Look at them. They’re not even slightly aligned. Plus the tail is just coming out of its leg. And the colour is more akin to a shiny Articuno than a normal one.

Dragonite figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Dragonite

Dragonite maybe isn’t as bad as this placing suggests. But it’s the eyes on the oddly shaped plastic head, combined with the lack of colouring on the chest, that just makes it hard for me to put it any lower.

Electabuzz figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Electabuzz

Electabuzz is defined by the lightning bolt patterns on his body. Not here though - his entire body is (the wrong shade of) yellow. The only black line is his monobrow. So uhhh I guess that’s something?

Delibird figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Delibird

Delibird is rocking some cursed-looking eyes, the worst paint job of the bunch. And missing all the yellow.

Tangela figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Tangela

I got Tangela on day one and honestly it set a good bar for what was to come. The narrow shape, slim eye window, wrong coloured shoes. All fabulous. Also would not stand.

Pikachu figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Pikachu

It’s hard to put my finger on what makes Pikachu look so off. I think it’s the bugged-out eyes and the red “wot” mouth. Also he does not stand up, and even leaning on a backdrop only stands on an angle. Looks very confused.

Haunter figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Haunter

Haunter gets included here mostly for the awful face, but gets some bonus points for the fact it has a stand, but resting it on the stand results in it basically being face-planted to the floor, hence having to lean him here so you can actually see it.

Slowbro figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Slowbro

Slowbro brings up what will become common issues - bad faces, wrong shapes, and multiple colours wrong or missing. We’ve got no white around his mouth or on his belly, and the shell is an off putting green with no eyes. Not good.

Skiploom figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Skiploom

Skiploom is probably the last one I’m willing to give a pass mark. Sure the flower on its head is the wrong colour, and his smile is kinda lopsided, but it’s not terrible.

Now we’re getting to the next tier.

Galvantula figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Galvantula

Galvantula is a valiant effort. Clearly the face and back patterns are a bit odd, the feet look a bit funky, the colours aren’t quite there, but considering what is to come, this gets a pass.

Deerling figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Deerling

Deerling is next. Not awful, but the pink colouring doesn’t come far enough down the body, the flower isn’t yellow, and although a bit hard to tell from photos, it’s head is oddly tilted to the right.

Wobbuffet figurine

Pokemon Go screenshot of Wobbuffet

Wobbuffet figurine

Here we have Wobbuffet, and our first sign that we’re going to struggle with Pokemon that have more than one colour. The face stick is fine, but we clearly have a tail without the black colouring or the design.