Zach Peterson

Honestly couldn’t think of a worse hell than creating content that causes people to engage with me.

My Ai prompt of “fish man angry at his water bill” is worth environmentall catastrophe.

I’ll take a gremlin a ghoulie even a chud over a minion any day.

Minions just aren’t that important to me.

I know history, so it seems pretty unfair that I am also doomed to repeat it.

Continuously justifying murder of innocents has to rot a hole through the soul of all of those who seem to have such a tenuous grasp of their humanity already.

Vanity license plate idea:
HRD FRTR

In the home I grew up in, you weren’t allowed to post memes. ☹️

I feel like less people would lash out online if they were versed in the way of the blade

Hoping to get an Apple Watch for Christmas.

An Apple Watch is when the condition are right for an Apple. An Apple warning is when an Apple has been spotted in the area.

Just saw a rap rock scored slideshow of John Brown on TikTok. Im like super amped and confused.

and it’s the right answer.

“I don’t have a favorite frozen pizza” is just bragging about growing up with married parents.

Heaven can’t be crowded, because if it was, it wouldn’t be heaven.

I should be shamed for doing comedy regardless of where I’m at.

Those people talk like parents whose kids went no contact.

James Fritz - Old Man Yells at Crowd Listen to Old Man Yells at Crowd by James Fritz.

New album out today on @aspecialthing.bsky.social Thank you to everyone who ever gave me stage time, everyone who ever laughed, everyone who ever recoiled, the sun, the moon and the stars

lnk.to/yellsatcrowd...

Idea for a restaurant: Benihana but instead of a hibachi grill, we have a George Foreman grill that is manned by a shirtless guy in boxing gloves that entertains the table.

Sorry for interrupting you opening your lootcrate but you have to sign these custody papers.

Never do I feel more like an entitled prick than when an automatic door doesn’t open

Radishes taste like hot dirt.

Turnstile sounds like if Snapcase started taking their meds.

I bet being dead feels exactly like scrolling on your phone.

A movie about the dog who is best at sitting: Chair Bud.

We should invest in high speed rail, the murder mysteries alone justifies the time, effort and money.

Sure, they may not do the best job, but you can’t beat the price of circumcisions at sports clips

Hello? Hello? Is this the hotline I call to report my wife being careless with a bag of tortilla chip, so now they are in such small pieces that I look like I’m testing cocaine to make sure it’s real on my gums, when I eat them?