Breakfast 🍩☕️🍑

Simultaneously loving and hating the general fuck off aura around me that protects my personal bubble.

Watch a yule log with commercials and chill?

sorry i made your girl fall in love with me by loading the dishwasher properly

RIP Rudolph you would have loved the red light district

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more comfortable (denial)

“Are you certain it will work? It looks like a hot tub.”

- 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘔𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦, H.G. Wells, 1895

I put on my sexy winter boxer briefs with the Velcro flap, for this?

If the answer isn't "add seven more plants," then I guess I just don't understand interior design.

um, it's called a breakfast burger and it's highly respected in many cultures.

Welcome to bluesky. If you like pithy observations on all your shitposts you'll love it here.

Life shouldn’t be measured by the passing of time, rather the good times spent in brothels and bars.

I mean kissing you under the missing toe is weird but I’m all in.

Whose toe is it anyway?

drumming has a bunch of made up words and phrases like "paradiddle flam" and i think that's beautiful

wearing Christmas balls at the end of my braided pigtails to draw the right kind of weirdos into my orbit

Do I miss them? Do I miss who I thought they were? Or do I just need to eat some carbs with melted cheese?

Cat distribution system needs to redistribute this fella.

No. 😑

Stray orange cat eating on a concrete patio.

It's 18° with wind chills in the single digits here. Poor baby needed fuel to stay warm.

YES IT IS I ALREADY HAVE FOUR

Help. I fed a stray cat.

Don't dress for the job you have, dress like you're the villain in someone's origin story.

My phone keyboard is always trying to express my thoughts better than I do. Maybe I should turn off auto-compete.

My gift was a "mystery flavour" jellybean advent calendar. Day one tasted like "unresolved tension." Day two was "damp wool socks."

I'm scared for day twenty-five. Could it be, Uncle Dave’s “tossing his cookies?”

went into the dispensary like ‘don’t bullshit me, give me the good shit that talks, you know, the one always calling the kettle

I dunno, with the amount that Pete Kegsbreath drinks I don't think his resolve is capable of stiffening anymore

Basic self worth seems boastful to me.

Letting the director of this Golden Coral commercial know I'm willing to do tasteful nudity.

My first rodeo was a petting zoo. I got a little out of hand.

no one better bring me to life with a magic hat that’s all i’m saying

The fuck is a jingle horse