strange ranger

First protein cigarette will go hard

dolly should have just set jolene on fire

Fully into the "that's weird, I don't remember doing that" stage of adult life

Honestly if your penis is bigger than a sleeve of Thin Mints i don’t want it unless your penis is literally thin mints then yes, I do want it

Another day, another opportunity to give up.

I flirted with disaster and now I'm married.

This is my alt. My main is real life.

My desire to wrap your car around a telephone pole.

I’m not the same woman that bought these fucking rice crackers.

I eat healthy because I feel guilty for helping to bring life into the universe and they might need my help for several decades.

Scary if true: walking pneumonia

Keep your village, sometimes a one man army gets more done.

It’s true what they say.. dogs are a lot like their owners, one of mine is a grumpy wee shite who loves pancakes & the other loves her sleep.

Sorry I invited you over for a romantic dinner then fed you Beef-A-Roni and unfrosted Pop Tarts.

commencing operation bitchin camero

My ex said she'd love me until the end of time, which turned out to be about 3 months.

Bluesky went down for me for over an hour and I had to find other things to do. Long story short,

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!

time to learn something new and podcast it

folding my draft into an airplane and crashing it into the side of my trash bin

i wrote the initials to abbreviate my friend’s new business name in a note and realized they are dtf

not sure if i should tell him or let him roll with it

Look Canada, I’m not looking to apply for citizenship yet but let the record show I have never listened to a Gordon Lightfoot song without openly weeping

views are my own your views are mine as well i own all the views

if you don’t sing my made up jingle for tapatio to the tune of mama mia with me we cannot I repeat cannot be friends

Oh, but the repercussions when they percuss.

Sorry I’m late, I was up all night reassuring your dad his butthole looked pretty.

I think I’d like to cash out now

- my therapist

Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”

Every time we talk I get a contact high.

sooo can I donate someone else’s plasma for money

she nutted with the force of every nut thats ever been nutted in the history of nutting