🩹

also getting ppl to open up abt themselves is like pulling teeth actually.

i would like to feel like a first choice or even remotely desirable (even for like Conversation) just once. i feel like ppl just arent interested in me anymore. why am i always approaching. h.

feeling traumatized in the way dogs that squish themselves into the corner of shelter kennels are rn ngl

my agoraphobia is flaring up so bad 🤩 might just get so physically sick i have to be hospitalized bc im not getting the help i need to get to drs i need to get to and instead im being shoved between strangers or no healthcare !!

having memory issues is so twisted like i bought rdr2 played hours of it and remembered basically nothing. i loaded it and i was in an area i cannot recall at all. augh. it just makes me so sad

its so fun that my mom in this period of my life that i actually remember is like incapable of being nurturing. deeply jealous of baby "me"

curled up in my room cold sweating fighting to not puke and no one gives a shit dude

would be really cool if my family treated me how i treat them. nobody offers me food no one sees me when im sick and asks if i need a drink or anything. never any questions abt how i am what im up to.

the chronic pain is chronic pain-ing so bad ............ im going back to bed for a bit

who remember that period of time. and god addressing it as it rlly is, dissociative amnesia vs just calling it the wall has really changed my mental framing of it.

being a poor child surrounded by affluent areas is a huge part of the equation. those drs wanted easy to treat depressed rich patients, not an undiagnosed autistic kid constantly in crisis for several years straight. like, some outright just said no and didnt give me any chance according to ppl+

ive been addressing a lot of my trauma lately and its really hard. i got so used to it that i forgot how bad it was. my childhood was so fucked. talking w my family and social worker n shit we think like 6 separate drs missed psychotic episodes in favor of just framing me as a bad child

Fake Happy Paramore · After Laughter · Song · 2017

you tell em hayley ..... sniffle open.spotify.com/track/6t44iU...

oo the mental illinois is bad rn it will pass but hoooly shit i cannot sleep

while one would think your brain developing to not let u be sui anymore would be a good thing it kinda sucks bc im still in an equal amt of pain but i dont have the 'want to die about it' way out now

like nice sentiments from ppl online was sweet but irl this shit is fucking ass i think im just gonna sleep through the rest.

worst chr/stmas since my fuckin dad died lol !

✮ small numbers/'priv acc'
✮ close-ish mutuals only
✮ blocking basically everyone else

if i can get imaginal ill b happy but i=l works for now uee

after finding out IH is a terf i need to change this @ ☹ ill come up with one at some point . . .

ive already been fucking frozen in terror like twice in one day over fucking noises.

i was all things considered doing very well b4 i started being fucking sabotaged. ive been cut off from therapy and now im being forced back into proximity with a man who puts me in fight or flight 24/7 without being warned hes going to be here multiple days 👍

i think a god that 'knows everything' but purposefully set ppl up for failure and suffering isnt worth worship or praise and if that god exists id much rather go to hell.

its not normal to get so anemic less than 12 hrs after taking iron that ive been cold sitting directly in front of a heater. its just not. and it keeps getting minimized.

i really just want to know if i have cancer or something but its going to take a life or death fucking crisis thats going to put me in severe debt i cant pay to get care ig !

even email would be better than e
being triggered before during and after important calls where im clamming up to such a degree that its even more complicated

i have so much trauma surrounding formal phone calls they make me physically ill .......

i rlly need texting as an accessibility option for communication why are ppl so averse to it

i love having anxiety around sleeping, the thing i HAVE to do biologically, very cool

my blood pressure tanks when im under even at times mild stress bc my body cant tell when my life is in danger or not anymore 👍 he literally made me fear for my life so intensely my body wants to play dead