Aya

I’m not anymore I fear. I’ve realised how limited life is, and I don’t want to spend it giving grace and respect to people who won’t give it to me

truly lmao

And all of that is very freeing, actually. To not care about people that I used to feel crippling anxiety about is actually really nice. The relief has been immediate

I see now that some of my friendships are irreparable, or that they were never really friendships to begin with. I want relationships based on mutual respect and effort, and to be afforded the things that I offer people without question. Settling for less is kind of out of the question for me now

I am at a point now where I kind of don’t care about people’s excuses, and in a way I am now grateful for the opportunity to see who my friends really are. Nothing like a brush with death to clarify things I guess lmao

I’ve had a lot of time to think about it over the past week as I sit here in my isolation room for stem cell transplant conditioning — six days now of almost no contact, physical or otherwise — and as much as I want to crumble under it, I refuse to

I gave people a lot of grace, hoping that explaining where I was would at would improve things, hoping that now that we’ve had the conversation people might help me bridge the gap that I felt like I was rebuilding on my own. But honestly? Not really.

And to say to loved ones, friends repeatedly, over several months “I’m really lonely. This is the loneliest I have ever felt” — to always having to be the one to INITIATE that conversation and to just constantly get this feedback of “it’s awkward. it’s difficult. I don’t know what to do.” sucked ass

I had a vague understanding of how isolating cancer can be from watching loved one go through it but god it’s so different when you’re the one living it and feeling the tension and the awkwardness and the isolation. It sucked so bad for so long lol

And I say this with full understanding that I am not the centre of anyone’s universe except my own. But god is it disheartening to feel so many people who you thought you might be able to rely upon a little bit just straight up pull away lol

Not to emo post on here but also to absolutely emo post because it’s my account lmaoo one of the things I’ve found the worst about having cancer is how quickly and easily it shows you how many people just do not give a shit about you. Not really, anyway.

🌇💖

like that was terrifying and traumatic now what 🥴

realising the thing that’s become basically my job for the last year (not dying) is over now and kind of not having much idea of what to do now lol

bsky.app/profile/ayar... 😊

I still have to have my stem cell therapy next month, and I’ll have a planning scan for radiation to attempt to kill any residual cancer cells. But my doctor said she is “really, really happy” with my results and OMFG SO AM I YAAAAYYYY

the left scan was my initial PET, and the right is my most recent. My scan apparently shows "excellent metabolic response", resolution of a lot of the lymph nodes, and rly good response in my fkn giant mediastinal masses lmao. A Deauville score of 3 which is “considered remission in this context”!

we did it chat 🥹

and my animal crossing continues to pop off thanks to my anxiety tysm

have u considered a career in soccer not because of the athletic prowess but because of the theatrics over minor injuries

I got all my crying and anxiety out last night finally and felt a strange sense of peace settle over me. It is what it is but make it philosophical u feel me

today is, somewhat terrifyingly, that day again 🥹 I’d say pls manifest good things but actually the results are already set in stone, I just don’t know them yet lol. But pls join me in hoping for good news today thank you

ty 🩷🩷

I’m so excited for you. Congratulations again 🩷

on the bright side my animal crossing island is popping off thanks to my hyperfixation to keep the anxiety at bay 🥹

I feel v fragile atm and everything feels like so very, very much

crying from anxiety bc I have my follow up oncology apportionment on wednesday and I just keep thinking about last time and expecting the worst but also DREADING the worst because I do not have the mental resilience to do this all again 🥹👍

a pink and white stuffed animal is sitting on a bed with blue sheets ALT: a pink and white stuffed animal is sitting on a bed with blue sheets

oh no I ate something and didn’t throw it up and I was like ooouu! so I sat up in bed 🫠 it did not go well back to being horizontal

what a year this week has been

my dumb ass was like maybe this time will be the time I don’t get sick after a chemo cycle I’ll just be super tired and then it’s honestly the worst it’s ever been I cannot stop throwing up and I get lightheaded even if I’m like semi-vertical