Justin LeClaire

Legit just got my blood drawn by a phlebotomist in a vampire costume 🧛‍♀️

Instead of candy, I'm giving out constructive criticism for Halloween this year. 🎃

Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

When medication says "do not operate heavy machinery" they're probably referring to cars, but my mind always goes to bulldozers.

Did we ever find out how the vampire's interview went? Did he get the job? 🧛

Can someone please build an Al that will call customer service on my behalf and deal with their Al until my problem is solved?

Don't ever let a recipe tell you how much garlic to put in. You measure that with your heart. 🧄

When someone tells me, "Great question." I never hear their answer because I'm too busy congratulating myself for asking such a great question.

Romaine lettuce hasn't been called back in a minute. I'm glad she finally got her life together. 🥬

At my funeral, I want someone to take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next. 💐 🪦

Someone new started at my job today that was born in 2007.

I have unread emails older than that! 😣

Do you ever drive for like a solid 15 minutes, thinking about something incredibly random and stupid, and then you're like, "Were any of those lights I passed green? And how did I even get here?"

Dear Unknown Caller,

I admire your persistence but I don't even answer the phone when it's someone I know. 

Me in my teens: This station is playing my jams!
Me in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams!
Me in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams!

One thing about me: I'm gonna screenshot restaurants, workout tips, outfits, cooking recipes, funny memes, and interesting articles "just in case I forget" and then never look at them again.

Even though I know it's an automated thing, it still stresses me out when I'm browsing a store website and I get a "message" from the customer service agent.

Today I completed a chore that I have been putting off for six months. It took 15 minutes. I will learn nothing from this.

The ADHD in me has to fight the urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content).

I don't like the person I become whenever I have to enter my username and password using a tv remote 😠

I don't like being asked "are you home?" Please expand further before I tell you whether I'm home or not.

Me: *does the absolute bare minimum throughout the work week*

Me, on Friday: “finally, I can treat myself... I deserve it!”

What’s with all the rapture talk this week? It’s been happening in SF for decades! I keep spotting discarded clothes on the sidewalks. Just the other day, I walked past an overturned wheelchair with a shirt, pants, and shoes right next to it, as if the person got whisked away into the sky! 👨👩↗☁

🤔 I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off of something, but have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

Realized I'm getting older cause the first two things I scan for when I enter a bar now are: (1) where are the open chairs? and (2) how close are they to the restroom?

Yo! Back from taking a 3 month break from Bluesky, what’s going on? What are we all offended about now?

Happy Saturday to everyone except whoever decided that we need 5 days of work and only 2 days of rest

On the bus this morning I overheard a lady ask her friend, “So who is this Cinco de Mayo guy anyway?” 🙄

I'm kinda envious of toddlers. I wish I could just scream NO and run away anytime someone approaches me that I don't want to talk to.

If someone texts "haha nice" it means they'd rather eat a bowl of nails than continue this conversation

Every time a cashier asks if I found everything okay I lie and say yes just so there won't be more questions. 🤦‍♂️