Leanne Yau

If you believe that people have the right to choose whatever relationship style works best for them, that includes the conscious and intentional choice to practice monogamy, polyamory, and everything in between.
Remember: monogamy is not the enemy. Mononormativity is.

Just like some monogamous (or monogamy-inclined) folks can be in a polyamorous relationship and be happy, some polyamorous (or polyamory-inclined) folks can be in a monogamous relationship and be happy.
It’s not for everyone, but it works for some. It’s really just that simple.

Some people identify as ambiamorous, meaning they are equally comfortable with monogamy and polyamory. This could be for many reasons - certain life priorities, the person/people they’re with, or simply the capacity/time/energy they have for more than one partner.

Another reason a polyamorous person might end up in monogamy is simply a monogamous partner.
To be clear, not everyone can make that sacrifice, nor should you have to! But for some, the person they love is a higher priority, and polyamory isn’t something they need to be happy.

The personal work that polyamory forces you to do is useful no matter what kind of relationship style you’re in, AND you don’t have to be polyamorous to do that work. Do your healing in the environment that feels safest for you.

Don't just be polyamorous because some friend/partner/influencer told you it's woke and cool.
What's ACTUALLY super woke and cool is recognising your own limits, respecting your own boundaries, and doing what YOU want.

In the same way that it's okay to go on a sexuality/gender exploration journey and come out the other side realising you are actually just straight and cisgender, it's okay to explore different relationship structures and realise that you prefer monogamy or are monogamous.

I am not a polyvangelist - I believe any relationship style can be "progressive" and "enlightened" if it is consciously chosen based on what you want and not simply going along with what society wants. And yes, I believe that includes monogamy.

Being trauma-informed in sex and relationships means recognising that everyone has a different window of tolerance and not to push beyond one's limits.
Practising polyamory means tolerating a lot of change, novelty, and rejection - and not everyone can emotionally handle that.

Loving more than one person at the same time is vulnerable as fuck. A lot of monogamous people are TERRIFIED to open up to even just ONE person and never develop a healthy relationship with love. It's no wonder that opening your heart to even more feels incredibly scary for some.

You can be polyamorous and live with trauma, a mental illness and/or disability - you don't have to be "healthy" to love and be loved by many.
AND, for some, dealing with their condition(s) is enough on their plate and polyamory doesn't feel worth the extra stress. THAT IS OKAY.

I can't believe I have to state the obvious, but if practising polyamory is actively triggering your mental health issues (e.g. suicidality, frequent panic attacks, PTSD flashbacks, disordered eating/sleeping), it's okay to stop - if you want to. Take care of yourself first.

Healthy polyamory involves a lot of personal awareness, introspection, and reflection - and it can very efficiently expose all your trauma, triggers, and insecurities.
Some people think that's awesome. Others find it overwhelming as fuck for their nervous system. Both are valid.

Not only can polyamory be traumatising due to external stigma and societal judgment, but also, depending on your own unique triggers and who you're doing it with, polyamory can also be extremely emotionally difficult. And only YOU can decide whether it's worth it to you or not.

Maybe you're a queer disabled woman* of colour like me, so being othered for being polyamorous is no big deal. And challenging others with your existence can feel good - but for others, it can be a lot. So, if the option is available, some may choose the path of least resistance.

You can genuinely thrive in polyamory and also acknowledge the studies that show non-monogamous people experience minority stress from the stigma they face. Whether you view polyamory as an identity or a choice, the fact is that practising polyamory openly can be traumatising.

Practising polyamory in a mononormative world is radical. Many people find it liberating to challenge social norms, to deconstruct ideas of love, sex, community, and relationships, to be at odds with the world around them, and to customise their connections from the ground up.

We don't talk enough about the fact that you can align with polyamorous values and enjoy the idea of polyamory, maybe even identify as polyamorous in your heart... and still practice monogamy.
Here are some reasons why 🧵

Remember - just because someone claims to be an “expert” on something, that does not mean they are the “expert” on YOU.

Take what resonates, and leave what doesn’t. Be discerning with the information that you consume. Formulate your own opinions, don’t just parrot someone else’s. Polyamory is a choose your own adventure story, so carve out your own individual path for yourself and those you love.

My approach is to inform and educate instead of judging or attempting to control. It’s all about harm reduction. That’s why I don’t believe in preaching a Most Ethical Way to do polyamory - my perspective is just one of many. Also, I’m not your parent.

Obviously, don’t be afraid to make observations about potentially problematic behaviour, and it’s okay to have opinions. But even then, people are ultimately going to do what they want to do, even if you wouldn’t personally do the same.

Shaming people for doing things you think are wrong is usually not a good way to motivate them to change - it just puts them on the defensive. Instead, where possible, try and approach with curiosity and understanding, and leave judgements and assumptions at the door.

Everyone has the capacity to make their own decisions, as well as their own mistakes, and to learn from them accordingly on what works for them and those around them. WHY and HOW you’re doing something matters more than WHAT you’re doing specifically.

There is no universal truth about what is right and wrong in polyamory. There are certain things that are generally best advised to avoid doing, and certain things that are riskier than others, but there are exceptions to almost everything.

Non-monogamous relationships, like any other relationships, are nuanced. What works for one person may not work for another, and different people can make the same agreement with completely different motivations, which may lead to different results.

Polyamory for People Pleasers Leanne @polyphiliablog + Heidi @steadypolyamory share top tips on boundary-setting, conflict resolution, and finding your voice in polyamory

Challenging norms inherently requires disappointing people, which is one of the most terrifying and difficult things for people pleasers.
Come to my workshop to learn more: polyam-pleaser.eventbrite.co.uk?aff=Leanne

If you grew up thinking that your feelings were "too much", that your purpose was to serve others at your own expense, or that asserting yourself would mean facing punishment and dangerous consequences, of course you would struggle with being firm in your non-monogamous desires.

If you’re doing non-monogamy for the first time, it means you are:
1. Trying something new
2. Adjusting to a big change
3. Unlearning mononormativity in a world that tells you that’s bad and wrong.
If you’re struggling, that is NORMAL. What you’re doing is HARD.

Sometimes we feel activated/dysregulated by things because they remind you of something you were taught was bad, or something bad that happened in your past. This is not the same as the thing actually being bad, or bad things actually happening right now.