Leanne Yau

Do share how you would deal with this situation - and if you need more help, my peer support sessions are just a tap away 😌

My partners know me, and as long as they continue to communicate and honour their commitments to me, I feel secure no matter how many new people they’re seeing ❤️

But, for each connection, there is a threshold of quality time spent and certain needs that I require to be met for the relationship to feel sustainable - and if my partners don’t meet that threshold, I would feel neglected or like an afterthought.

I don’t need my partners to spend absolutely all of their time with me to feel like a priority, and I accept that non-monogamy naturally means that my partners have other people who are also priorities to them, just like me.

Ask yourself - what do you need to feel loved/secure/valued/committed in this relationship? How can you express your feelings and requests to your partner? And most importantly, how confident are you that your partner will take on the feedback and respond to your requests?

Both are valid things to feel upset over, but they are distinctly different situations! New relationships often shake things up in existing connections in big ways and small, and I find that polyamory requires a high tolerance for change in general.

There is a difference between your partner going overboard with their NRE to the point of neglecting other relationships (not good!), and your partner making space for a new connection and things feeling different because of it (uncomfy, but a normal part of polyamory).

Your partner is responsible for managing their own feelings of New Relationship Energy, and if they are deprioritising or neglecting you in the process of chasing after someone new, their lack of care and impulse control is not your fault.

I’ve tried kitchen table polyamory. I’ve tried parallel polyamory. I highly recommend letting your connections form organically and letting your partners decide how close they want to be with each other (including not at all!) instead of enforcing a specific polycule dynamic.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but your partner experiencing jealousy/insecurity over the things that you're doing is NOT the same as them saying they want you to stop, that they don't love/accept you, that they're trying to attack/hurt/shame you, or that they're "not really polyamorous".

That was meant to say “unlearning” but my point stands

Are you actually “bad at polyamory”, or are you struggling to be patient with yourself while learning a lifetime of mononormative thinking, and experiencing a normal amount of distress for all the changes that you’re going through at the same time? 🤔

5. Lack of self awareness
If you’re not conscious of the ways that your actions are affecting others, or the reasons *why* you’re doing XYZ, you’re not for me as a partner. Being careless about the way you move in relationships is a recipe for disaster.

What are your red flags? 🚩

4. Saying I’m only “allowed” to date women but not men (or vice versa)
Dating me as a bi person means accepting the wholeness of my bisexuality, not splitting it into genders that feel more or less acceptable for you. If you’re not comfortable with me dating all genders, then don’t date me at all.

Wanting your partners to respect each other’s relationship with you is fine, but you can’t force anyone to be friends.

3. Demanding that I must be friends with their other partner(s)
I want to meet my metamours in my own time, and we get to decide what kind of relationship we want with each other, not our partner.

It tells me they either don’t know how to set boundaries with their partner and advocate for their desires, or refuse to take ownership of the fact that they made a choice to care for their partner at my expense while bitching about them to me in the process. Neither make me feel safe or secure.

2. Blaming other partners for their own decisions
If I’m dating someone who tells me things like “My partner MADE ME cancel on you, but I didn’t want to!” it’s a turnoff.

1. Poor time and energy management
Love is infinite, but time and energy are not. I date people who actually follow through on the things they promise, not those who say nice things but have no awareness of their capacity.

My top 5 red flags 🚩 in polyamorous relationships… 🧵

Most polyamory newbies need extra care, patience, and empathy as they learn what their individual needs and boundaries are. If you do not have the capacity to provide them with a safe space to explore, make mistakes, and have big feelings, DO NOT DATE THEM.

If you are a more experienced polyamorous person dating a newbie, your responsibility is to give them the space to figure stuff out and try things at a reasonable pace, instead of imposing your own desires/standards/expectations onto them.

Too Traumatised For Polyamory? (August Patrons Q&A) | Leanne Yau Get more from Leanne Yau on Patreon

For more where this came from, this was just a taster - watch my full video on Patreon: www.patreon.com/posts/136098...

There are plenty of people who practice polyamory who have all kinds of mental health struggles - and there are also plenty of people who opt for monogamy simply because it’s easier on their individual nervous system. That’s okay.

Obviously, there are certain things that will be triggered regardless of relationship style, so some of that work needs to be done ANYWAY, but I’m not going to lie - dating more folks is factually a lot more to manage than dating one. And it’s okay if you cannot be bothered.

If you are doing polyamory as someone with existing mental health issues, insecurities, and trauma, you will likely struggle more than someone who doesn’t have those things. That’s okay, but it is YOUR CHOICE whether you want to take on that responsibility.

No one gets to tell you that you’re not mentally healthy enough to love and be loved by more than one person.

One of the most common questions I get from polyamorous clients is, “Can you be too traumatised for polyamory?”
The short answer: it’s up to you.
The long answer… 🧵

like I get that jealousy manifests in different ways and for different reasons but make it make sense lol