Leanne Yau

I had a foursome two nights ago - and last night I found a ring that wasn't mine under my bed. So I texted the three people going "is this your ring?"
Reader, the ring did not belong to any of them. So now I need to text at least 6 other people!

Schedule based on the time and energy you actually have - not what you wish you had, or what you think your partner deserves.
Consistency, not impulsivity, is what ultimately builds safety and security in romantic relationships 💛

When in doubt, assume you have less capacity than you actually do and go from there. It's better to be pleasantly surprised with more free time, than to underdeliver when you find out you have less.

Your partners will likely not appreciate being jerked around by your whims under the guise of "having freedom" or "following your heart" in polyamory. Being spontaneous within reason is fine, but being chaotic and irresponsible is not.

Overcommitting to a new and exciting connection can risk neglecting other existing partners, or lead to lots of dramatic changes in schedule when the New Relationship Energy inevitably fades that can potentially create distress amongst all your partners.

If you have multiple intimate connections, you need to be clear about when you're spending time with whom in order to manage everyone's expectations effectively. "Going with the flow" can get messy really fast when two or more people want to spend quality time with you.

In monogamy, a lot of people default to spending most of their time with one romantic partner so there are usually fewer issues around scheduling conflicts or opportunities for comparisons to be made.

There's nothing inherently wrong with having a lot of love to give, but if you set up a dating routine that you cannot realistically maintain long-term, it will likely lead to issues later on when you burn out from lack of capacity.

If you are polyamorous and looking for long-term connection: learn to be disciplined with your time and energy management, or risk disappointing multiple people at once.

me when I see a straight monogamous vanilla person on Feeld:

As a former semi-successful fanfiction writer: if you’re not writing fanfiction purely for the love of the game, kindly get the fuck off fanfiction sites. Monetising fanfiction is ILLEGAL loser behaviour.
Same goes for anyone who “writes” AI fanfiction. Grifters need to fucking stop.

Just because you're struggling IN polyamory, it doesn't mean you're struggling WITH polyamory. You're allowed to find something challenging without it having to mean anything about who you are or what you want.

I want all the “I want two boyfriends who also kiss each other” girlies to know that polyamorous bisexual men exist and you can absolutely make that a reality right now, but you'd better make sure to unpack your internalised biphobia and mononormativity before you attempt ANY of that 💁🏻‍♀️

"I feel so angry/upset/disappointed/sad right now, but I just need some time for the feelings to pass and I won't hold them against you. We don't need to fix everything right now, but I would really value your presence while I sit with my emotions. I still love you and we will be okay."

"I need space to process my feelings to continue this conversation in a productive way. I'm not abandoning or rejecting you. I just don't want to say something I don't mean or will regret later. I promise to come back when I feel ready. Thank you for being patient with me."

"I'm not setting a boundary because I'm trying to punish you - it is what I need to feel safe in this connection. I appreciate you for respecting and considering my feelings, and caring about our relationship. I love you and hope we can work together to find a way for everyone's needs to be met."

"I'm having big feelings right now, but it doesn't mean I blame you or that I think you did anything wrong. I'm sharing this with you because I want to let you in on my inner experience, not because I'm trying to attack you or stop you from doing what you're doing. I love you."

"I know what I've shared with you was really difficult for you to hear, but I want to reassure you that I still love and care about you. I appreciate you for listening and I want you to know it matters to me."

When you're experiencing challenging emotions in polyamory, here are some phrases you can use to defuse the tension and stay in connection, rather than escalating into further conflict:

Listen, be curious, and keep an open mind. And if you can't do that, your friend deserves better.

Even if you genuinely feel that your friend is making a bad decision and that polyamory truly isn't for them, that is still their decision to make and their own conclusion to come to, and it's not your place to take away their autonomy.

Your friend is probably already getting a ton of shit and judgment from other people for practising a relationship style that is often misunderstood, stigmatised, and hated on. If you add to that chorus by questioning their choices, you are not making them feel safe to be open with you.

You're letting your own biases cloud your perception of the situation, which prevents you from being curious, empathetic, and a genuinely good friend.

Instead of being judgmental and dismissive, what you can do is be a safe space for them to come to you with difficulties. There could be so many other reasons that they're struggling that have nothing to do with polyamory.

You're not giving them the space to explore, to make mistakes, and to find something difficult but rewarding and fulfilling at the same time. You're making assumptions and jumping to conclusions.

What you're actually doing when you're telling them it would be easier they just went back to monogamy, is pretty much equivalent to telling someone who's training for a marathon that they should just give up just because they couldn't make the first 5k.

Most people, when they're trying something new that they haven't done before, tend to struggle a little bit - and that doesn't mean they're not cut out for it long-term. And just because you wouldn’t do something, that doesn't mean it's inherently bad for someone else.

You might think you're being caring and supportive, but what you're actually doing is you're projecting your own desires and preferences onto their situation, and disrespecting their choices (and potentially identity!) in the process.

If your first reaction to your friend telling you that they're struggling in their polyamorous relationship is “maybe you should just go back to monogamy”, you're being a terrible friend. I said what I said.

It's okay to want different things...but it does mean that you need to be with other people, and the most loving thing to do is break up.