Darkness Hayz

I can’t say im disappointed. I am. But it’s okay, honestly it’s fine. As long as I don’t cry and keep it to myself.

It’ll make you stronger. Most importantly, I’d tell her, never forget to be you, never shy away for no one. Show emotions, but most importantly know you are loved, treasured and valued. Just always be you.

I miss that woman. That woman embarked on a journey, taking steps, uncertain, and with a smile.

Looking n, checking out, though it feels decades a part, if I could talk to that version of me, I’d just tell her how strong she truly is, how the battle won’t make you weak,

Unlocked my phone and looked at old iCloud Photos….. I miss that woman in the photos. It was like viewing someone else’s life that isn’t yours.

A few weeks ago I rang the end of treatment bell for the second time. I wish the first time in 2024 was enough.

I love how me and my dad’s late night texts go from Women’s football to Finland to Michael Sheen. No wonder my mind is random 😂

Radom fact from when I was a teenager. My Welsh teacher in school, used to teach Ioan Gruffudd before she moved to the old girls school I was in, and when she saw he was in Titanic (as well as she felt so proud to have taught him and she couldn’t wait to see what he’d achieve.

My parrot doesn’t like Donald Trump. He goes right into a caique rant, and you own a birb than you know what does rants sounds like. So I learnt this over the weekend. F my caique don’t like you, I don’t like you and animas are good judges of character.

I love taking photos of Mr. Flibble.

It was always a one sided sister ship on my part.

I would’ve taken a bullet for you, but now…. Nope. You burned that bridge.
I don’t hate you, I just need to let go. Focus on those that matter, and not on those that don’t.

I wish your family well and bundles of happiness.

That feeling when you realise you never mattered to them, the way they did for you.

I wish you all the best though. I loved you like a sister, even though you were my step sister (even though our parents go divorced). I guess I need to move forward, and come to terms with this.

Broke down in tears in the review meeting. They want me to speak to someone about how to deal with emotions around my terminal diagnosis. I’m trying to keep myself together, but it’s so hard.

Oh I need to speak to the mental health team tomorrow. How do I tell them im scared of the inevitable? Terminal cancer fucking sucks. It’s really messing with my head and emotions.

I’d only do items that are rusty and need a little work, and I’d consulate with someone else before I do anything to some antiques.

I’ve been watching UK series Antiques Road Trip and some of the pieces I’ve said to my mum how I’d do them up, and find another purpose for them, you have a bit of history, yet you can also be part of that items history.

Never have I ever been like this before.

I’m just glad we have it for as long as we have, even with changes of characters they always seem to fit right in as if they’ve been with the team for ages.

I do still miss Velvy as he was my favourite character.

They’ve had such a strong and stellar cast from the beginning.

I saw both episodes on early release, I thought I was going mad when I heard the Birmingham accent - which I love btw. Great opening two parter. Me and my mum was trying to work out our theories, wild out of the box thinking, and always end up wrong 😂

Mum *watching Silent Witness on iPlayer*: “he [Jake] looks good in a polo neck”

Me: “yeah, Jub….. oh wait wrong show, that’s FBI”

Like how could I get two characters from two different shows, in two different continents mixed up?

#SilentWitness #FBI

My cat Mr Flibbles loves my Snuggie, he has as much use out of it as I do. But we do anything for our lil ones, even sacrificing a super woman Snuggie.

I’ve been watching a lot of vertical dramas. Damn some are heartbreaking. One had my sobbing, as it felt like a part hit home too much for me.

It was a good vertical and I did enjoy it (sobbing an all).

Just when I’m at hospital verticals have became my safe haven.

That’s why I left twitter, a year ago. For my own sanity. It’s become a toxic, angry and hateful place. I hope it doesn’t become like that here.

Just please take it easy today, and enjoy time away from here :)

I’ve sent my uncle something from The Traitors store….

A letter saying “by order of the traitors you have been murdered”, and haven’t put whom it’s from, so he has to work out who it was…..

Totally traitors style.

#traitors

10 years ago I last saw you. 8 years ago, I didn’t even get to say a final goodbye.

I treated you coldly on Christmas Day 2016, I never thought Tay would be the last time we’d see each other.

I beat myself up over this a lot, I know you’d not want me to feel like that, but I do.

My baby bro has been watching The Boys, me and elder bro Christopher was talking about it. Now it’s got to be a good show if three of us watch it.

Radio Rock Lite (Finnish station) is playing some great tracks, some I had forgotten about. But nothing is more satisfying than hearing The Rasmus or Poets of the Fall being played 🥰. Plus, I’ve discovered some new bands (well not new to most, new to me).

So, I had a phone call today, that made me doubt if I had my blood transfusion on Tuesday which I did. They wanted to book me in because I on their system I haven’t had it yet.

I said to the guy “I remember going as I saw Santa, Minnie and Mickey. I didn’t imagine that”.

Which I did.

Poets of the Fall with @vampirebloom.bsky.social next year in September. I am looking forward it so much. Feels ages since we saw them last time. Code name 🙈🙈🙈 Hel-Don-Ham.

@cocotheparrot.bsky.social thank you for the card. It made me smile 🥰. Sending lots of love and light to you all 💜

When Lauri came on stage with the Welsh flag I gave him, made my life. Than when he wrapped it around him for Not Like the Other Girls I burst into tears. It was an emotional moment, especially if you know how much the song means to me.

And if you celebrate a festive period, have a good one.